Shifting Seasons

As I wrapped my hand around my upper arm,last night, I cringed; I couldn't help but notice the unmistakable difference in circumference. It was only a year ago that I was able to wrap my whole hand around my upper arm and touch fingers on either side. It doesn't take much to threaten my thoughts in a downward spiral. Sometimes it's the way my jeans actually fit instead of falling off, sometimes it's a bone hiding that used to be easily felt, sometimes it's the roundness of my face that I see while brushing my teeth.

Something different happened, last night, though. Something that was unfamiliar to me and exciting. After I cringed, my heart leapt for a moment and I had the fleeting thought "You're alive! that's flesh and blood and a nourished body that you feel!"

This isn't a feel good blog post about how I'm cured or instructions on 10 steps to take to kick the ol' eating disorder out, but the shift in thinking I experienced, last night, is something I've prayed for for a long time, and something I wasn't sure would ever happen. It was about a year ago that I admitted my eating habits to be sinful and against the Lord's will for my life, but it wasn't a joyful submission to His plan; rather a painful obedience to what those around me were asking me to do. I went into it "kicking and screaming" so to speak, heavy with fear, anger, and despair but knowing that if I chose a different path (my path) I'd be walking away from the Lord and thankfully, that brought more fear than giving up my addiction.

True "recovery" from my destructive eating habits has been slow. Painfully slow. Years and years (over a decade) of allowing patterns of thought that "fed" my behaviors have not been easy to turn away from, and it can still feel like a battlefield in my mind on any given day - threatening to pull me into an all out war with myself.

But as I felt my normal-sized arm last night, the Spirit of Truth won the battle, and I have so much hope that He is faithful and trustworthy and He will continue to renew my mind, day by day, year by year, if I am faithful to continue in this fight against sin. Last night, I had my first taste of freedom, and it was sweet.

"Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for you."
~Psalm 9:10

Recommended Resourses:
Love to Eat Hate to Eat by Elyse Fitzpatrick
Redeemed from the Pit by Marie Notcheva
Addictions A Banquet in The Grave by Edward T. Welch

When I am quiet my mind is loud

The Lord is gracious to redeem every situation. I'm so thankful to hear again and again of those who have walked through devastating experiences but who have experienced God's love at a greater magnitude because of the suffering. As I walk through my own season of severe anxiety and relational hurt, I am once again drawn back to only what I know is true, only His word can truly anchor me, and only He knows me and loves me perfectly. He is my rock and He is the One who redeems the difficult roads that I walk.

Let me hear in the morning

of Your steadfast love

Your truth covers me like a heavy quilt

Grounding me to who You say I am

My mind

You know it is fragile

You know I am forgetful

The enemy

His whisper can be so loud

You are broken, he whispers

You are unlovable

You silly girl, you do not belong. You never will.

You have no purpose

You are a burden

But Lord, let me remember

Let me not forget the powerful truth of who I am in You

You say I am loved

You say I am adopted, not to ever be given back

You say I belong

You say I was chosen before the world was even created

You say You will never leave me

You say You have plans for me

plans that You will bring to completion

So let me hear of your steadfast love, Oh Lord

Let me hear, every morning.

Huxley's Home Birth Story

At 5:27am on May 11th 2018, I woke up to my water breaking. It was a sensation I'd never experienced with the other two (until pushing). My stomach dropped a bit, both from excitement and nervousness that today would be the day we would meet our mystery baby! I hurried out to the living room where my sweet husband, Sam, was sleeping (I'm a bed-hog at the end of pregnancy) and excitedly woke him to tell him today would be the day and he should call off work.

(My last "bump" picture the night before Huck was born)

We didn't really know how long things would take. Contractions hadn't begun so we both attempted to rest before our other two kiddos woke.

At 9:00am contractions were beginning to come sporadically, maybe every 20 minutes or so. At this point my water had been less leaking out and more gushing out and I was definitely experiencing the pain of not having any water cushion while contracting. Sam took the kids over to a friend's house and we tried to rest and prepare the best we could. Around 2p I was feeling frustrated with the contractions that hurt but weren't seeming to do anything. Tired, I decided to lie down and see if I could nap a bit. I fell asleep but was woken every 10-15 min by contractions. I had heard from a few friends that sometimes 3rd babies throw you for a loop and take a little more effort (my last two labors were fast and furious and unexpected).

At 3p I texted my midwife to see what I could do to speed things along. I was nervous that my water had broken so early and there seemed to be no end in sight. She suggested I walk up and down the stairs for awhile. Wow, did that work! My contractions started rolling in every 2 minutes, so Sam started filling the birth pool! Our kiddos were home napping at this point, and it looked like the timing was going to be just right. We had a sweet family friend over helping boil water for the pool and to watch over our other kids, and our midwife was on her way.

(I had previously asked Sam to document my labor- but as you can tell I was less than thrilled to have my picture taken in active labor)

At 4p I got into the pool just as my midwife was arriving. Her steady presence was a gift. She sat and drank coffee and reminded me to breathe and monitored the baby's heart rate. Our bedroom window was cracked a bit to let in some fresh, early May, Spring air. It was an environment I couldn't have been more thankful for at such an intimate and intense moment. My contractions were feeling relentless and never ending which I knew meant the time was drawing near to push. Our babe had himself in an odd position so pushing was a more difficult than I remember it being with my other two, he got stuck a bit, but at 4:45pm I was holding our brand new baby (boy!) on my chest, in awe, yet again, of this new life in my arms!

(Total bliss. Total relief. Praise the Lord!)

Huck was my littlest babe to date, weighing only 7lbs 10 oz and 19.5 in long. Our midwife (who by the way also goes to our church) Hung around for a bit doing a few checks on Huck, helping clean up, and enjoying some food. Huck and I mostly snuggled for the rest of the evening, getting to know each other and establishing a nursing relationship and fully welcoming being taken care of by loved ones around us. I was smitten and glowing and just so thankful.

(Look at that precious little face!)

What an amazing and beautiful day it was. Happy birth-day sweet boy.

Read Grace's birth story Here
Read Finley's birth story Here

Adequately Inadequate.

"Oh, how do you pronounce that?? ...Neh-buh-ku-nezz-er ..??" I spoke these words 4 years ago during a women's bible study as I struggled while reading a passage out-loud. It was one of many times I felt a mixture of shame and embarrassment for my lack of knowledge of basic biblical terms, pronunciations, and theology.

It's pretty obvious, in christian circles, that in many ways I am still "catching up". You see, while many of you were off at bible camp, or singing "Jesus loves me" in Sunday school; I was running barefoot and playing kickball with the kids next door. I was ice fishing on lake Erie, with my dad, on a brisk day in February. I was grocery shopping with my mom and begging if I could "puhhleeeaasee push this cart this time!?" I was water skiing with my Papa driving the boat, while my Grandma waited at home with cookies ready for me. While  you were watching Veggie Tales or Little House On The Prarie, I was watching the Simpson's and MTV. While you were reading The Hobbit for the 20th time, I was reading Junie B Jones. I was playing softball in the heat of the summer or running miles to prepare for cross country season. I was biking and skinning knees and elbows -- scars I still have and boasted in many years ago.

When you were waking up for church on Sunday morning, I was waking up for my weekend shift at McDonald's. If I did happen to make it to our local Methodist church, my philosophy was "fake it till you make it", hoping if I was quiet enough or smiled enough no one would notice that I had no idea what the heck they were talking about.

Being a baby christian in an adult body can be intimidating to say the least, the fear of saying the wrong thing used to paralyze me. It doesn't anymore. The Lord graciously softened my heart at the age of 19, saving me, and He has been so faithful to pull me closer to Him ever since. At 25, I am still behind, yes, but it doesn't matter to me like it used to. As the Lord chips away at my pride it becomes clear to me that when I allow my fear of what others may think overpower me, I am literally letting satan get his way. Satan wants me to remain quiet. He wants me to never ask clarifying questions. He wants to keep me in that place of "faking it till I make it". He wants me to be so fearful of people that I never open my mouth or type a single God glorifying word.

And so I push back. I write anyways. I speak anyways.

In that fearful place, 4 years ago, when I was among some of the most intelligent women I've ever met, my knee jerk was to try harder, to study more, to memorize more. I wanted to catch up so I could keep up, but this always ended in tears and frustration. In my self dependency, I was pushing away my kind Father who truly and simply wanted me to call Him "Abba". He had already claimed me as His child, my only job was to allow Him to parent me and walk obediently to His commands.

The Lord is gentle and patient and oh so kind and He didn't give up on me, He heard my cries, He wept with me as I waded through shame and feelings of inadequacy. He has been with me and He has been shepherding me and He has been teaching me in the moments when I'm not trying to "be something". He teaches me in the gospels, He teaches me about His character and his purposes and his promises. He teaches me as I discipline my own kids, in love. He teaches me when I am fully dependent on Him, when I am crying out "Abba (daddy!) please help me! I cannot do this. My heart is hard and often filled with unbelief. I need your help." 

God isn't interested in our brains. He isn't interested in how many bible verses we can emotionlessly rattle off. Heck, without a deep and personal relationship with Jesus, it doesn't really matter how many times you've read the bible or how much theology you know. You can say and know all the right things and still have a dead heart to Jesus. He is interested only in our dependence on Him when we go to his word. He is interested in our rehearsing His promises to ourselves while clinging to His teachings because we know He is the only way. 

Being adequately inadequate is quite alright, friends, embrace it as you soak in Jesus' truths like glass of ice water on a hot day. It's when we aren't trying to prove something when God uses us the most. Trust Him, He loves you and He made you and equipped you to glorify Him. If we are so caught up in our own self glorification or pursuit of respect we aren't serving God, we are serving ourselves.

He Is A God Who Answers Prayers

 One of my most persistent prayers is that God would change me. That He would take all the selfishness and pride and anxiety and replace it with gratitude, humility, and complete faith in Him. I have walked the road of severe brokenness and seen severe brokenness and it terrifies me, and gives me a deep longing for the One who takes me and gives me a new name, a new identity. 

The ironic part about this is that when God answers my prayers, I am so prone to grumble and reject His plans for how He needs to prune me. When I prayed for a heart of gratitude He answered my prayers by allowing my husband to be severely ill for several months, opening my eyes to just how thankful I am for a normally healthy husband. To this day, when I remember those long months of illness, I am quick to thank the Lord for a husband who can now get up and go to work, play with the kids, and who is no longer confined to the cold dark walls of the hospital. I am thankful that I don't need to leave my children 3 times a day anymore and live a double life with no normality or consistency. God answered my prayer, but I have to be willing to not forget what He was teaching me because in my imperfect belief and in my flesh, I so quickly lose sight of what He is doing. 

More recently (after 2 years of not knowing why I felt so terrible) I found out that I have gallbladder disease, which has progressively worsened with time. I am in a position where I can't get surgery to remove my gallbladder until after I give birth to our third child. As my pregnancy has progressed, my gallbladder problems have worsened, and at almost 38 weeks pregnant I am feeling sick more often than I am feeling well. I wake up nervously wondering if it's going to be a "good" or a "bad" morning. I wonder if I'm I going to spend the day in pain and nausea or if I am even going to be able to eat at all for a day. I fear each thing I eat because there's no pattern to my gallbladder attacks at this point - they are totally random and out of my control. In addition, I am desperately trying to care my two kids and for this baby in my womb who depends on me for nutrients and who demands a lot of my physically energy. 

I can't say I have handled this suffering well - It is only recently that I have accepted that God really is teaching me and pruning me through this trial. I prayed for humility and He has delivered by making me an unreliable person who frequently needs to cancel plans. I have no choice but to trust Him with my reputation, and accept that my circumstances make being a friend to me a bit different. I have had to humble myself to my limitations, because I am easily tired and not as able to help others like I would like to. In my prayer for gratitude He has opened my eyes to just how incredible it is to feel well. It is a gift  and a joy on the days that I have enough energy to take the kids to the playground or be present with them instead of being stuck on the couch in pain. It is a joy to take a walk with my family as spring rolls around. It is a joy to feel the sun on my face while outside reading a book. It is a joy to be able to eat a meal and not suffer from it.

I prayed for patience and He gave me children who don't sleep well. I have to rely on the Lord daily to meet me where I am depending on what my circumstances are. My patience has expanded immensely and I'm able to handle a great deal more than I ever thought I could, and that glory goes all to God, not me. When I don't get a break in the afternoon or when I am surviving off of 5 hours of sleep, I have to trust that He is sustaining me. When I "lose my cool" I have to trust that He is changing me and teaching me and most importantly forgiving and loving me through it. 

When you pray, He will answer. He only asks that we trust him with how He answers those prayers and that we accept that how He changes us at a heart level could be painful for a time, perhaps both mentally and physically. My physical and mental deprivation has only ever driven me to seek Him more fervently, and that's the point. He gives His love, as our perfect Father, abundantly, but it's up to us if we are willing to receive it. 

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

Matthew 7:7

Salve For The Deepest Wounds

The Lord has been putting on my heart to share what He has done to redeem me from 6 years of bulimia. As the years go by, I am so very tempted to hide this part of my story out of deep shame. My bulimia was a complex cry for help and my way of demanding to be noticed and loved, while also filling an ache that couldn't be healed apart from God's love. And while it's not a time in my life I am proud of, God has done so much to deliver me from the mindset that led me to bulimic behaviors. 

For that I am brought to my knees reminded of all He has done for me and the chains of slavery I'm no longer enslaved to. I don't want anything about bulimia to sound glamorous (as I falsely believed as a teen) so I am not going to paint a pretty picture of what my eating disorder was.

From ages 14-19 I saw the bottom of a toilet more frequently than my closest friends. It crept up slowly, the bulimia, at first it was difficult. My body fought against something that was so unnatural- so I did research, asking skilled bulimics online how they managed to be so good at what they did. Within a year I was a skilled bulimic and within 2 years I was a pro. By the end of my fight with bulimia, purging simply meant bending over the toilet and thinking about throwing up. After graduating high school and entering into a highly stressful nursing program, my idea of a fun Saturday became driving to the local Walmart, buying the foods I liked to binge on then sitting in my my car eating only to go back into the store and rid myself of all of it. By 18 I hated my bulimia. I felt trapped in a cycle that left me feeling half-dead, irritable, and always distracted. 

I hated it. But I loved it. 

Being a highly controlling person had led me into a  pit of despair that I couldn't climb out of, unless I was willing to surrender the control that comforted me more than anything. Attempting to fully recover from my bulimia not only meant breaking an addiction that had weaved itself into my DNA, it also meant letting go of the one tool I had to force those around me to care for me. I wanted to be fragile and broken, because who is going to hurt someone who is already fragile and broken. Giving up my bulimia and not allowing it to be my identity meant facing the darkest corners of my personality.

I was 19, engaged to be married in just a few months, and a total wreak. During one of my million fight/talks about my bulimia with my now husband, Sam, I broke down. I was done, I was out, I needed rescued from myself and I knew only Jesus could be that rescue. So in the same breath of swearing off bulimia forever, I devoted my life to a Father I could put my trust in. I put my trust in Him to control my life in a way I never could, and I put my trust in Him to love me in a way no one else could. He was my healing salve to a wound so ugly I could hardly look at myself. I needed His forgiveness to move forward as much as I need His love. 

It wasn't easy. It is still not easy.  

Being a highly controlling person didn't just lead me to years of bulimia. Looking to myself and trusting only in myself has led me to despair and anxiety again and again. I continue to cry out for His help to change the parts of me that if left unchallenged and unchanged would lead me away from God and towards a life of self trust and self destruction. But even though He has led me through such scary roads of mental turmoil, it is so clear to me how He has revealed Himself through my sinfulness. He has used my anxiety and personality quirks and my past wounds to draw me closer to Him, because He is the only one who can comfort me while also changing me for my good and His glory.

I survived what could have been a deadly battle. I am here to tell you that you are not condemned to your past wounds and mistakes. You should not cower in shame and self doubt, but rather share and exalt the one who has parted your red sea. As psalm 139 says; "He knitted you together in your mother's womb" he has searched your heart and will continue to do so. He will use you even if you feel like there's nothing about you He could make useful. My friends, be humble and be thankful for how God has met you in your neediness and how sweet it is to be be forgiven, recreated, and forever perfected through Jesus' blood.

"I'll Be Home Late Tonight"

The "I'll be home late" text, oh how I dread it. Last week, I received that text everyday, and it left me reflecting on how I should honor my husband through a season of late nights. There was a time not too long ago, that I would respond to these late nights with anger and bitterness. My selfishness and entitlement would take over, and I would not receive my husband well when he finally walked through the door. The Holy Spirit has done work in my heart, and I've learned a few things over the past couple years that Sam has been at a demanding job. As I reflected and reminded myself of these truths this week, I wanted to share what God has taught me. 

Making him feel guilty isn't helpful.

Chances are, your hubby is just a bummed as you are to be spending most of his time at work. He very likely feels torn between spending time with family and being a reliable employee. When I'm tempted to guilt Sam about being away so much, I practice the good ol' "if I were in his shoes" trick and it helps bring me back to reality -- that this is difficult for both of us. 

He's not someone to throw the kids at

Too often I count down the hours until I can throw the kids at Sam and "check out" of the family. I don't physically go anywhere, but I am not present or available to my husband and kids. By all means, parents are a team, but that doesn't mean you should greet your husband at the door with "here's  the kids, see ya". Give him a hug, tell him you love him and you've missed him, tell him you appreciate him, and then ask for help where it's needed. I totally understand that different seasons call for different lifestyles, but it is absolutely vital in a marriage to remember that you are a team, not enemies. 

Check your own heart 

Ask yourself and pray to God to reveal to you why you may be feeling angry or bitter towards your husband. I have evaluated my own heart and have noticed common themes which I'll list here:

• Unrealistic expectations: I am far more content when I don't expect Sam home at a specific time. When I see the day as an opportunity rather than a burden, I feel more prepared to "mom" for as long as the kids need me, and then I'm not so prone to counting down the hours until Sam gets home. 
•  Entitlement: Sometimes I feel a great sense of entitlement that I deserve a break, which is really an issue of not having faith in God's promises. He promises to us that he will be with us and for us, and He will supply us with what we need. When I feel afraid that I won't get a break or feel entitled that I deserve a break, it is helpful to remember that our Savior is for me, not against me, and that He promises to care for me (Ps. 55:22, 1 Peter 5:7, Matt 11:28-30).
• Idolizing my husband: I have time and time again fallen into the lie that my husband is my everything. This is damaging, not only to our marriage, but also in my relationship with God. When I expect Sam to meet all of my needs and "save" me when life is tough, I am inevitably disappointed because I am looking in the wrong direction for sustainability. My role as Sam's wife is to love him selflessly, serve him selflessly, and pray for him fervently. 

Take care of your own basic needs

I so feel all of you reading who just feel "burnt out" and you're thinking that everything I am typing is easier said than done, and you're right. In our weak human state, we have basic human needs that need to be met and we absolutely need humility to know our own limitations. I make my time with God a priority every day, which is vital for surviving this season of little kids who demand my constant attention. It isn't at all a "duty" type of thing, but rather a necessity that I spend time before God being refueled with His truth and his love for me. I also notice a huge difference in how I feel by how I am caring for my body and how I am spending my few moments in the day without the kids. It is so important to prioritize what is "life-giving" and "life-taking" in order to not drown in the sea of your children's needs. This also means being intentional with commitments, because sometimes it's not your kids who are draining you, it's actually all the other stuff that is demanding your time and energy. Be practical and be humble. 

To all you beautiful daughters of Christ-- you are precious, you are loved, and you are seen by our Creator. He will sustain you and He will equip you if you find your rest in Him. Hang in there mama.

Why I'm Ditching my Smartphone.

Last week we embarked on a trip to PA, where both of our families live. We were blessed with delicious food, wonderful conversation, and even some space so Sam and I could have a date in the same town we met. We stayed with Sam's parents, and I was so happy and content to spend an afternoon sitting in a cozy chair by the fireplace, and reading a book by John Piper that Sam and I have been working through. God is so perfect and gentle in His timing, and He chose this moment to test my faith and convict my heart.

I have an addiction to my smartphone, and God knows.

I could sugar coat this confession, however there really isn't any reason to. The truth is, I struggle to stay present with my kids during the day and find myself wasting too much time scrolling through social media rather than living presently in the very moment God has blessed me with. My smartphone addiction is robbing me of my children's little years. This isn't a new conviction for me, it's something I became immediately aware of when we dived into the world of smartphones, 3 years ago. Sure, it didn't help that I had a newborn who would only sleep on me for the first year of her life, or that I spent countless hours nursing that colicky babe, but the heart issue has always been there, which is that I prefer to mindlessly live in a different world aside from the one I am physically in. My heart craves the interaction that facebook offers and the potential self-glory my own life might portray on social media.

Since God has actually been pricking my heart to ditch the smartphone for years, this is hardly an admirable act of obedience. It took that afternoon by the fireplace for me to finally accept that I need to take this step in obedience and that I need to trust God with the fears I have related to giving up something that seems so vital in our world, today.

Matthew 5:29 says; "If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell." 

This is the verse God used to speak to me. It's a verse I have read and known for years, but in this particular case of sin I am dealing with, it became clear that I need to take this issue very seriously as an issue that is ultimately coming between my relationship with God. God doesn't literally mean for us to tear our eyes out if they "cause us to sin" but He is rather using this extreme example to show us how deadly sin is. I have tried self disciplining myself with smartphone restrictions of app blockers, but the temptation is always there, and I eventually fall short of my efforts. 

I doubt I'll be smartphone-less forever but for now, it's what I need to do and I am trusting God to bring me joy through this choice. I am looking forward to a simpler life and I'm thankful that I have the freedom to not have a smartphone (I know this isn't possible for everyone because of work situations). I am praying that God will use these years to cultivate a strong desire to serve Him, without needing other's approval and applaud.

Until next time, 
Annette. 

P.S. I still plan on blogging and look forward to sharing how life is without a smartphone ;)

When The Person You Love Most Becomes Fragile

It was Friday, October 13th when our lives were thrown majorly off balance, the day before was like any other - we had no idea what was to come for the next month.

Sam came home from work that Friday and went straight to the bedroom to lie down. He was having stomach pain he said, and I braced myself for a potential weekend of the stomach flu. Around 7pm he started vomiting, and the vomiting continued all. night. long. In desperation for him to feel some relief I urged him to go to the ER in the morning, where he was given pain medication and anti-nausea medication and sent on his way. Still very sick on Sunday, he went to urgent care and was told that he was just unlucky and having a hard time with a stomach bug. Still very sick on Monday, he went to urgent care and was finally diagnosed with a ruptured appendix. 

Again, we were naive to what sort of suffering God had in store for us, I drove Sam to the hospital and we both figured he'd have his appendix out and be home the next day. This was not true at all. In fact, Sam was just beginning a 3 week hospital stay where he would face physical and mental suffering like he'd never known before, and I was just beginning 3 weeks of emotional suffering I'd never known before.  

 

Antibiotics

IV fluids

He can't eat? 

He doesn't want to eat

Surgery

Home

Hospital

Home 

Kids

Husband

Need, need, need

Surgery

He's really sick

Sepsis

He's not eating. He's not drinking

I'm not sleeping. I'm not eating

Pregnant? I forgot

Antibiotics 

Cry

Pray

Surgery

Please God, make him better.  

This was the summation of my fleshly thoughts while Sam was sick. I could hardly take the roller coaster of what our life had turned into, and was constantly obsessing with how Sam was doing. Most days I woke up, went to the hospital, came home, put the kids to sleep, went back to the hospital, came home to put the kids to bed, and then went back to the hospital. But God. He was teaching, and He was stretching, and He was and still is using this to grow me and to grow Sam. Once I surrendered to this, I was at peace knowing that when God felt like this should end, He would make it end. the bitterness and anger slowly melted towards the multiple misdiagnoses that led Sam into this medical crisis. And so I prayed as my husband went in and out of surgery and I prayed when he was too weak to say hello to me. I prayed when looking at him was difficult, because I hardly recognized the 15 pounds thinner husband of mine. I prayed when the kids wanted Daddy. I prayed and I prayed and God was with me and I am thankful. 

One day I was driving to the hospital and talking to God and I felt Him ask me; "Am I enough? Would you be ok without your husband?" And somehow, God gave me the strength in my heart to answer yes, I would be ok. I would be deeply, deeply grieved, but I trusted God enough to let Him know that I would be ok. The kids would be ok, I know That HE would be taking care of us and leading us through it all. This was, perhaps, the biggest growth in my faith through this trial, and praise God that He has chosen to bring Sam back into our home and praise God that Sam is now healthy. Praise God, too, that I have the strength in my faith to know that whatever trial God puts us/me through, I can trust Him and I can be unafraid of whatever outcome, because my hope is not of the things in this world, but in the heavenly places. 

When the person you love most becomes fragile, it is hard and it is heartbreaking and it is confusing. But it is not the end, it is mearly a blip in God's massively beautiful plan.

 

A glimpse into my walk with anxiety

Anxiety. I have debated long and hard about writing this. I don't know why the Lord has called me to share through blogging, but He has, so I am trusting that He is walking through these posts with me, and helping me to express what He desires me to share. So tonight, with shaking hands, I am writing just a piece of my story, in hopes that others can find encouragement. Including myself.

As I sit here in my living room, staring at my son's deflating football balloon from his second birthday, I am at a loss for words. When something has been a part of you for so long, it's hard to know where to begin. I can't remember a time in my life that I wasn't anxious. I can't even tell you how many years I was experiencing panic attacks without even realizing there was a name for my suffering, but I know it was long enough for me to assume that it was normal to feel the way I did. It would take me so long to describe the triggers which set off my anxiety, so I will highlight what I remember most.

When I was young, it was a persistent and nagging feeling that something wasn't right. I don't think I could've described what wasn't right, but it left me hyper, overly talkative, and usually annoying to be around. As I moved into the middle school ages my anxiety became more consuming and manifested in obsessive behaviors. I can remember a phase of covering my mouth when talking to my friends because I was sure I talked in a "weird" way. I also remember always carrying cough drops because I was terrified I'd have a coughing attack at an inopportune time. The obsessiveness moved into my athletics after I heard drinking milk could give you a stomachache while running. Since I was a cross country runner, I was diligent to not have anything with milk or milk itself during cross country season, and if I accidentally did, I'd obsess over it in my mind for days, sure that something terrible was going to happen.

Moving into high school, the obsessiveness worsened. As I started to excel in cross country, I became more paranoid and started making myself go to bed at 7pm the night before races. This developed into a battle with insomnia and a reliance on Tylenol PM which probably worked more like a placebo than anything else. I would also make sure to get home from school as soon as possible so that I could eat dinner early (cause, ya know, I needed 12 hours to properly digest that dinner) and start my routine of stretching and packing my bag for the next day. I would fantasize about how wonderful I'd feel when the race was over, and console myself with the rest that would follow.

When I started getting into my adult years, I was noticing how emotionally off balance I was. During college, I would have nights that I would just cry for hours, sometimes I'd punch a wall or sometimes I would roam the streets of our small town into the late hours of the night, just hoping someone could save me from me. I felt totally paralyzed when it came to studying, sure that I would fail, anyway, and that there was no use trying. If I wasted one hour of time, I would throw in the towel and give up completely. My battle with bulimia was also at it's worst, and I would frantically binge and purge over and over as if the food could permanently console me, but as soon as I'd finish purging, I felt emptiness like I can't describe, and total powerlessness over myself. Around this time I started thinking more about God, the guy who I always claimed to know but He felt like a third cousin. Someone I knew existed, but someone I felt so disconnected to that it didn't matter He existed.

I was having trouble making phone calls, trouble answering the door, trouble going to the post office to mail a package. I can't tell you what I was afraid of, I was just afraid. I ended up failing out of college and moving in with my now in-laws. During that time I found some healing, I grew in my relationship with Christ (I believe this is when I was saved), and I made a once-and-for-all recovery from my 6 yr battle with bulimia. Sam and I got married and everything felt wonderful for awhile.

Now, as a mother to two, I still feel my anxiety. I felt it when they were newborns and I couldn't make them sleep or stop crying. I feel it when something bad could happen to them, but it doesn't, and I replay what could've happened over and over. I feel it when we've all had a hard day, and I feel like I will ruin the kids, forever. I feel it as the days get darker, earlier, and it seems as if the darkness is an entire world of it's own. Threatening to suck me in forever. I feel it when we all get sick and we're stuck at home for a week, but I'm sure we'll never get out of the house again. I feel it when I have a deep conversation with someone and can't stop analyzing my words. I feel it when I'm on a bridge because I know I won't, but I know I could jump.

I feel it, but it doesn't navigate my life and all my thoughts like it used to. I feel it, but I know that I am a child of God and that He promises He has a plan for me. I feel it, but I know He is in control so I don't need to be. I feel it, but I fight it with verses, and hymns, and prayers. I feel it, but I know I don't need to be afraid anymore. 

You are the God who sees me

If you haven't caught on by my blog posts or social media posts, motherhood has not come easy to me. Especially stay-at-home, round-the-clock, no breaks motherhood. I'm not sure it's easy for any mom to be followed around all day by little people who constantly need something, although I certainly have mom friends who carry through motherhood a little more lightly than I. For me, it was a shock that I wasn't finding joy in being a mom. Since I was little, I knew I ultimately wanted to be a homemaker. I'd dream of having 6 kids, speaking in a sing-songy voice all the time, always smelling and looking beautiful, having an endless supply of energy, and of course never having a Mom body.

Well. The news that being a Mom was less than stellar was broken to me the very night my first was born. I sat on the toilet, after giving birth, with the nurse staring at me waiting for me to pee. I looked down at the cushion of what was left of my once baby-filled belly..sagging and scattered with stretch marks. And then I left that bathroom to a colicky baby who treated me as a human cow for months to follow. When I wasn't nursing that tiny alien, I was either crying from exhaustion, bouncing her on an exercise ball, or doing a combination of all three. I thought it would get easier. It didn't.

If it wasn't sleep deprivation, it was loneliness, or boredom, or frustration. And when one little alien became two little aliens, it didn't feel like a blessing, it felt like a curse. I wanted to be a mother for all the wrong reasons, and boy oh boy has the Lord used motherhood to expose all the ugliness in my heart!

Being a stay at home mom is a very unseen and thankless job. As I navigate through sibling rivalry, sorting out discipline, choosing what their bodies are fed with, scheduling out days that don't all look identical, folding and putting away laundry, doing the dishes (by hand right now), vacuuming, washing the windows, making the beds, changing diapers, cleaning up puke, putting the toys away.....the list goes on. Nobody sees me. Nobody is giving me a raise or a pat on the back. Nobody is nominating me for employee of the month. Nobody is seeing my bad days and asking if I'm ok. Nobody is seeing my good days and admiring my work. It is quite possibly the most unseen and isolated job out there.

But this is good. This is very good. It has taken over 3 years of working out some deeply rooted sin and fighting against a self-absorbed mind, but God has shown me that He sees me and that it's enough that He sees me. As His child, I am not working for anyone else, I am working for Him and for His glory alone. Let's take a look at Genesis 16, which has humbled me and made me deeply thankful!

 Now Sarai, Abram's wife, had borne him no children. She had a female Egyptian servant whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said to Abram, “Behold now, the Lord has prevented me from bearing children. Go in to my servant; it may be that I shall obtain children by her.” And Abram listened to the voice of Sarai. So, after Abram had lived ten years in the land of Canaan, Sarai, Abram's wife, took Hagar the Egyptian, her servant, and gave her to Abram her husband as a wife. And he went in to Hagar, and she conceived. And when she saw that she had conceived, she looked with contempt on her mistress. And Sarai said to Abram, “May the wrong done to me be on you! I gave my servant to your embrace, and when she saw that she had conceived, she looked on me with contempt. May the Lord judge between you and me!” But Abram said to Sarai, “Behold, your servant is in your power; do to her as you please.” Then Sarai dealt harshly with her, and she fled from her. The angel of the Lord found her by a spring of water in the wilderness, the spring on the way to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?” She said, “I am fleeing from my mistress Sarai.” The angel of the Lord said to her, “Return to your mistress and submit to her.” The angel of the Lord also said to her, “I will surely multiply your offspring so that they cannot be numbered for multitude.” And the angel of the Lord said to her,

“Behold, you are pregnant
    and shall bear a son.
You shall call his name Ishmael,
    because the Lord has listened to your affliction. 

 He shall be a wild donkey of a man,
    his hand against everyone
    and everyone's hand against him,
and he shall dwell over against all his kinsmen.”

So she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, “You are a God of seeing,” for she said, “Truly here I have seen him who looks after me.” ¹⁴ Therefore the well was called Beer-lahai-roi; it lies between Kadesh and Bered. And Hagar bore Abram a son, and Abram called the name of his son, whom Hagar bore, Ishmael. Abram was eighty-six years old when Hagar bore Ishmael to Abram.

This is such a beautiful story. It is simply amazing that the Lord spoke to Hagar, told her to go back as a servant and submit to Sarai, and then told Hagar that she'd give birth to a wild donkey of a man. The Lord wasn't saying "Go back, and Sarai will die and Abram will dote on you and you'll give birth and live happily ever after as a perfect little family". But yet, after all of this was said, Hagar simply said "You are a God of seeing" and she obeyed his commands. It was precious enough to Hagar that the Lord knew her and saw her that she was able to submit to a life that looked less than stellar, and was able to trust that the Lord was equipping her and would give her joy. 

I'm encouraging my heart to reflect on this story in all the moments that I feel unseen. He sees me. He sees me. He sees me. I'll end this with a prayer. 

Father God, precious Lord. Thank you that I don't have to work for man, but that I can serve joyfully for you. God, I pray that my life would reflect you and not me. I pray that when I desire affirmation from people, or praise, or fame, or attention, that I would run to you in my need and that I would be filled by your perfect love and your perfect sight. I pray that I would serve my family selflessly and confidently, knowing that you, and you alone, equip me in all my many moments of weakness. Thank you for your patience as I figure out this motherhood gig and thank you for trusting me with these little souls regardless of my weak and sinful heart. Thank you that in my imperfection, you offer my children a perfect parent in you and love that will surpass anything I could ever offer. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Saying Goodbye to Bean

 Bean snuggling with me while I was very recently pregnant with Grace

Today I unexpectedly had to consent to euthanizing our darling Bean cat. When I woke up this morning, I had no idea that I'd be sitting here this evening writing a blog post about our 4 year old cat dying.

For a bit of background, we found Bean, and her brother Eko (who ran away), near a dumpster just a month after Sam and I got married. These precious babies were just 3 weeks old and abandoned, so of course I insisted that we had to adopt them, and Sam wasn't hard to persuade. We bottle fed these kitties around the clock, taught them how to eat dry food, use the litter, etc. They were part of our family right away! Bean chose me as her favorite parent. She slept on me constantly, and was especially attuned to me while I was pregnant with Grace and Finley.

Earlier this week, Bean started acting strange, but we thought she had just been injured while playing outside, so we made her a little cozy spot to get some R&R and made sure the kids were extra gentle with her. This morning we decided we should probably take her to the vet to get her checked out so I started calling around to see if anyone would take her, but was turned down several times and eventually told to take her to the pet emergency center. So I packed up my cat and my two kids and off we went.

On our way to the vet, Bean had a seizure that lasted a couple minutes. I realized, in this moment, that she was probably not going to be coming home with us alive.

When we arrived I hauled my crew inside while busy techs asked me a hundred questions to which I mostly answered "I don't know what's wrong, I think she's dying" and we were eventually brought to a room to wait for Bean's prognosis. Meanwhile, we're in this little room, and Finley is loosing his mind because he's tired from refusing his nap today. I'm trying to keep myself together and the vet comes in to tell me that Bean probably has a brain parasite, is totally blind, and that she would recommend that I choose to euthanize her. So I said yes. I said yes, but I said yes with tears in my eyes.

I've always tried to be the girl with mega strength. The girl who doesn't need to cry, or grieve, or mourn. The one who can hold it together in front of her oblivious toddlers (or husband) through any storm. But God reminded me today (as I blubbered goodbyes and love yous to my cat) that I really am only human, I really do have a small capacity for burdens, and I really do need to draw on His strength in all moments. So off we trudged, dead cat in a box in one arm, toddler in the other, and a bouncing 3 yr old trailing behind. On our drive home Grace enthusiastically said "well that was a really fun day, can we go back to the vet soon?!" and I thanked God that she didn't understand what had just happened to Bean..although I know I'll have to tackle some tough questions through the next few days.

Psalm 18:6

"In my distress I called out to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From His temple he heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into His ears" 

 

It's a Bit of a Fixer Upper

Last week, we stepped foot into our new (to us) home. We were greeted by about 600 spiders, a thick layer of grime on our feet, the wafting smell of dead mice, 4 different schemes of wallpaper, and some really sketchy aromas in our 50's style bathroom. We couldn't have been more excited!

(Exhibit A. bathroom straight from the 50's, possibly with a hint of mold)

I know that more than one person will walk through our home in the next year, thinking to themselves "What in the world were Sam and Annette thinking, and why do they love this home so much?!" ...The answer is simple--We see the potential, and it is absolutely thrilling that we get to carry out that potential, as a family, and make this our home.

This is exactly how Jesus loves us and pursues us, He intimately knows the dark corners of our minds. He has slept in the cobwebs, He's inhaled the poisonous mold, He has touched the dirt on our feet. He sees us, He knows us, and He still loves us.  Not only that, but He sees how beautiful we can be, He sees our potential, and He tells us that all we need is to trust in Him, and allow the Holy Spirit to come set up shop in our hearts.

Every home, no matter how nice, will give out in some way or another. Whether that's a leaky basement or an infestation of fleas, we can be certain that our dwelling place will need repair. Man is no different. We are desperate for Jesus! It doesn't matter if you're the home that has been built with the best of materials, or the home that is perhaps crumbling a bit and hard to look at. Both are equally as needy.

Sam and I were so in love with this home, that we offered $10,000 over the asking price. Not only that, we were willing to overlook anything that came up in the inspection that would cost under $2,000, in the spirit of keeping things simple and appealing for the seller. This was a sacrifice for us and we had to trust that this was really what we wanted and be willing to sign up for some hard work and potentially some suffering.

Jesus invested in us, as humans, in a much more sacrificial way! He purchased us, by His blood, on the cross. He came to earth, as man, and suffered for us! His agony was so immense leading up to the crucifixion, that His sweat became like blood as He prayed to the Father (Luke 22:44). But even still, He died for us, while crying out "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46).

Do you see what a "fixer upper" you are?  Bask in His grace and His mercy, and allow yourself to be transformed and remade by the Holy Spirit. Invite Him into all of the dark corners, and even the clean corners, because even those spaces are dirty. Steep in His truth as watch your life be taken into His hands!

Father, Thank you so much that through you, I have been remade. Thank you that I am a new creation, and that you are able to use a sinner, like me, to advance your kingdom. Thank you for pursuing my dirty heart. Thank you for loving me perfectly when I am unlovable. Thank you that I can trust that your ways are best and that I can walk confidently with you, knowing that you only want good for me. God, I invite you into my heart today and everyday, and ask that you'd rebuild all the broken and ugly pieces. I pray for more of you, and less of me.
 In your name I pray. 
Amen.

I'm Going to Ecuador?!

Acts 13:47-49

"For so the Lord has commanded us, saying, 'I have made you a light for the Gentiles, that you may bring salvation to the ends of the earth.' And when the Gentiles heard this, they began rejoicing and glorifying the word of the Lord, and as many as were appointed to eternal life believed. And the word of the Lord was spreading throughout the whole region."

It was just a few months ago that I was sitting in church, listening to the announcements, when something caught my attention. Our church was looking for a team to be sent to Ecuador in July 2017. This is a yearly routine at the church I attend, and normally I thank the Lord for those brave enough to volunteer, and that's that. This year, though, as our pastor spoke of this opportunity, I was insistent that my husband, Sam, should most definitely go! 

For a few weeks I nagged him and made him send in the e-mail saying he was interested, and then when it came time that the team needed some true commitment, Sam said "I don't think I really want to do this. why don't you go?" .....Crickets chirping.....Me? I have to be honest that the first thing holding me back was that others would look down on me for leaving my kids and husband for a week, 'cause hey, doesn't a "good" Christian wife send her husband off to do things like this?! God quickly revealed to me that he is not picky about who spreads the gospel, and that actually my situation of being a stay at home mom made me uniquely available to this opportunity. So I put my "yes" in Him and committed! 

A year ago I was talking to a sweet friend (Kaitlin!) after she had just informed me she was going on the Ecuador trip. I was in awe of her bravery and how simple she made it seem to just pick up and go as the Lord called her to do. I remember saying something along the lines of " I can't ever see myself going on a mission trip. I don't have a strong theological background, or the means to 'convince' people of Jesus." I remember this conversation and my fears so clearly, but I had it all wrong! God has shown me that it's not about how much you know, but rather how much you love Jesus with all your heart, mind, and soul. He supplies the rest as you grow in relationship with Him! I am no longer afraid, because I know HE will equip me to touch lives and love on people who have never known the love of Jesus, it's not about 'me' at all.

The Lord has supplied, abundantly, to make this trip possible for me. Friends and family far and near have donated generously, a hiccup in my passport application was corrected quickly, and my in laws even agreed to come watch the kids so that Sam wouldn't miss any work. I am extremely grateful all around! The Lord has been strengthening my heart each time I read scripture, and I am clinging to His promises for the various anxieties I carry. 

Now, at just 4 days from departing, I can only ask of your prayers. Pray for each of our hearts, that we would joyfully accept whatever the Lord has for us in Ecuador, and that He would unite us as a team for His glory. Pray that there would be more of Him and less of us (John 3:30). And lastly, pray that My in laws don't despise me too much after wrangling our two toddlers for a week ;) 

Until next time, 

Annette

Unshakable

I have felt the arrows of attack this week. Satan tempts me..I can hear his call to internalize and be self focused. I can taste the bitterness planted in my heart, I can hear the song of self pity playing loud and clear. He tempts me, and I fall to my knees and I pray, because it's a scary world, without God. It's a fearful thought to ever stray from my heavenly father.

Yesterday, I stood at the counter, chopping vegetables, listening to Ephesians, and ignoring the cries of babes who would not take a nap. It was another one of THOSE battles...you know, when you think you've aligned everything just perfectly so that the kids will nap. And then they don't. In my experience, this has triggered one of two responses. The first (and most common) has been to throw a tantrum in my mind, which consists of something like "My kids hate me, I don't deserve this, I'm so sick of this, etc." The second response, and the one I'm working to implement always, is to take it to God in prayer.

When I take my cares to Him and allow Him to overflow my heart with truth, life, and hope, the missed nap and uncooked dinner seems much less significant. He gives me endurance when I feel depleted, He gives me time when I thought I had none, and he gives me patience when, by nature, I'm prone to snap. He gives me humility on days when I just couldn't clean or cook, and my poor husband walks into a train wreak.

He reassures me, always. He tells me "Annette, it's ok. I am bigger than your messy house, and your tired eyes, and your fighting kids." He says "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28). He says "Cast your anxiety on me, because I care for you." (1 Peter 5:7). He says "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10). He Says "Draw near to the throne of grace, receive my mercy and find grace in your time of need." (Hebrews 4:16).

When I feel like my worldly troubles will overtake me, and my past will bring me down, He reminds me that "I have not received a spirit of slavery which leads to fear, but a spirit of adoption as His daughter which I may cry out, Abba! Father!" (Romans 8:15). He reminds me "This is the only race worth running." (Timothy 4:7). He reminds me that I should "Be in hope of eternal life, which God, who cannot lie, promised before the ages began." (Titus 1:2). And finally, He reminds me that "He is so rich in love and mercy that even when I was dead in my sinfulness, he made me alive with Christ" (Ephesians 2:4-5).

I am safe, I am saved, and I am satisfied, through Him. Life is not stable, the days can be long and difficult or sometimes short and gleeful, but through His truth and love, you can remain unshakable. 

The armor of God in motherhood

If you know me even a little, you know that I love my podcasts, John Piper sermons, and worship music. Basically anything I can put on as encouragement during the kids' naptime while I do the dishes, clean, or whatever needs done. During my worst bout of depression I played "Oceans" over an over during the day and it helped ground me to the truth, even in my desperate state. I was listening to a podcast last night and a quote really jumped out at me which basically said that Satan attacks right before or after God has a mighty plan for us. We can see this in Peter 5:8 which says "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour". It makes so much sense that the enemy would mess with the minds of believers, especially when we're about to do great, God glorifying, deeds.

With that being said, yesterday was "one of those days". I woke up feeling unprepared, I didn't feel like serving joyfully, didn't feel like stepping into the work God has trusted me with, I felt snappy and irritable and wanting to go back to bed. Yesterday, I wanted to be a "victim" in a life that God has blessed me with. I wanted to snub my nose at His glorious plans and do it my own way. I could feel my heart diverging from the truth and immersing into self-pity and self doubt. Do you notice a trend here? I was entirely focused on me! I had my head down, instead of looking up to our glorious Father, and he reminds me (ever so patiently) that if I would take my eyes off me, things would be SO much easier!

Ephesians 6: 10-18 says:

^" Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."

We can stand firm in truth   

-Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

-1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."

-Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

With the breastplate of righteousness in place

-2 Corinthians 5:21 "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." in other words, we can stand clean before God, even as sinners. 

The Gospel of peace 

-Romans 8:28 "Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won't he also give us everything else?"

The shield of faith 

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

The helmet of salvation

-Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

The Sword of the Spirit

-The Bible! Pray through scripture, meditate on it, fill your minds with God's mighty words of truth and promises!

Pray in the Spirit

-Romans 8:5-7 "Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. For the sinful nature is always hostile to God. It never did obey God’s laws, and it never will."

  

Ephesians 6 is such a beautiful piece of scripture, especially for us mamas! I am training myself to pray through this during the difficult moments and remember the truth of these words.We, as Christians, have been gifted with the armor of God...what then can touch us! Take up your armor, in faith, and in confidence, and be ready for attack, but also rejoice in the beauty of our almighty and his deep love for us. Hold your screaming child and remove yourself from the situation, and replace God. Serve while knowing that he is with you. answer those 1000 questions your toddler is asking while praying for patience and endurance. Put on the armor, and fight whatever lies the enemy is attacking you with and, as always, walk confidently in the perfect peace that God knows and understands you and your situation.

God power or Brain power?

Father, I pray that you would guide the words I am about to write. I pray that through these blog posts, you will shine, not me. I pray for wisdom , compassion, humility, and a sound mind. Amen.

As a parent to small children, I am hyper aware of all the messages out there for how to parent a child, not to mention my own predisposition to gravitate towards trendy techniques that might make me the "perfect" parent. There is an overabundance of information on what to do. I see statements like "if you breastfeed your child until the age of three years, two days, and 5 minutes, your child will be set up for an absolutely perfect life." or "If you ever put your child in timeout for more than 2 minutes, he'll grow up to resent you and never be a functioning human being". Yeah , yeah, I know those examples are dramatic and not actually things I've ever read, but seriously! It cannot be more true that EVERY one has got something to say about parenting, including myself. It has not been that long that I've realized God power is much bigger than brain power.

You see, Satan wants us to dwell and focus on our flaws as parents. We screw up, and he wants that mistake to fester and infect us. He wants to use a million different outside sources to distract us from the real purpose we serve as parents, and that is to raise them to know and love the Lord, higher than anything or anyone else! God's gift of grace extends into our day to day lives as moms and dads, and he uses every moment to teach and guide us, just as we do for our children. If you find yourself "losing it" again and feel totally frustrated, and inadequate to change these behaviors, it is vital to recognize that God is telling you something. He is telling you to give it to him, not yourself or the latest 5 step guide to be a better parent, or the newest blog that you've stumbled upon. He desires your heart in everything, and through your faith, prayer, and trust in him, he will transform you! By taking the burden on by our own strength and self discipline, we are pushing away the wonderful gift of grace and forgiveness and digging ourselves deeper into shame and self reliance.

 The bible tells us how to raise our children, both by the compassionate model of how Jesus interacted with people, and also by direct verses, like Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." We, as parents, are called to be used by God to raise our children, lovingly, and obediently and then; to trust that he is ultimately in control of them, and he is ultimately the one at work in their hearts. Settle on Job 23:13 for a moment which says "But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does." Allow this to bring peace to your heart and mind, and then pray earnestly, invite him into your day to day life, ask for help, thank him and adore him, and then go in confidence knowing that you've given it over to God.*

*This does not mean we parent passively, lazily, or abusively, but that we repent and move forward and continue to flood our minds with the truth of scripture. Godly mentors certainly can help along the way, God also instructs us to walk with those wiser than ourselves.

fresh slate

Fresh slate. 

What an appropriate title for the words I have to share this evening. If you've followed my blog at all (which I don't blame you if you haven't, it's pretty boring) than you'll notice that I've changed the name! My previous blog was titled "Wholly Healthy Mommy" - and it just didn't make sense anymore. I started this blog thinking that I would be seriously pursuing a "career" in fitness and nutrition while mommying, but at some point God pricked my heart and let me know that wasn't where he wanted me, so I put down the fitness coaching and full-on dived into motherhood....except not really. 

Here's where I get super vulnerable and say stuff that I didn't think I'd tell the whole world. Sometimes God has different plans for our struggles and triumphs, and the Spirit moves us to share in various ways. I have prayed and asked God for guidance through sharing my story, and I want it to be clear that my only mission is to provide hope for the hurting and to testify of the power of God. All disclaimers aside, about a year ago I experienced a breakdown far different than any I've ever experienced. Something snapped in my heart and I was drowning in sorrow, utterly shocked at how terrible of a person I was (am). My mission in motherhood had always been to raise kids who won't need to recover from their childhoods, but in that mission I had put myself higher than God and developed expectations for myself that were just not obtainable by humans. I was idolizing the way I looked to the outside world, as a mother, and working by my own strength (which is very weak by the way) to obtain these ideas of perfection.

My breaking point happened when I was so utterly disgusted in how evil my heart was and how utterly out of control I felt to change myself. I spent a weekend very seriously close to suicide, and several weeks wrestling thoughts telling me that dying was the only solution to the situation at hand. My identity was not rooted in Christ and his goodness and his power and his grace. My identity was rooted in lies telling me I was worthless, tired, inadequate, embarrassing, shameful...the list goes on.  

There were a few months where the crisis remedy was medication and some modern psychology-based therapy. This kept me afloat for a bit, but I knew God desired me to dig deeper. It wasn't about "self care" or divorcing* my husband or all these immediate relief based remedies that modern psychology preaches. Rather, there were some very deeply rooted sin issues that God was desiring to show me in order to draw me nearer to him...and, shocker, he was very successful in his plan! 

Only by God's sweet and perfect timing, I began meeting with a dear woman for Biblical counseling. She gently guided me out of my selfishness and into the love and grace only our heavenly father can offer. From there, I've moved forward in hope. I have confidence that the Spirit lives in me and is changing my heart every day (Ephesians 2:2). I have peace that God knows I am going to screw up parenting these kids... he knows that I am darn well far from perfect and that's exactly why he sent his son to die on the cross for me (Romans 3:23). I have faith that endures during the hard moments and faith that my obedience to God, and his instruction for me, will bring great joy (Romans 8:28). How wonderfully and beautifully Peter writes: "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to the living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you." (1 Peter 1:3-4) Amen! 

So friends, I leave you here with this one thought. Do you carry the burden of life entirely on your own? Are you weary and confused and drowning? Yes? I urge you to give your burdens to Christ. I urge you to surrender to his great power and watch as he transforms your heart. I urge you to take comfort from the only perfect father. I urge you to turn away from yourself and turn toward him and then soak in his goodness. Just be held.

*This statement is very much based on my personal experience with modern psychology. I would leave sessions feeling entitled, and angry at Sam, instead of humbling myself to my own faults.  Divorce was tossed around several times by my therapist as an easy way to "be happier", and the over all message was that I needed to think only about myself in order to find peace. Jesus models the exact opposite in his selflessness, and sacrificial nature. My prayer is More of Jesus, less of me, and through that process I have found joy far greater than the idea of living solely for myself and what I want. I want to add that Sam and I were really not having major issues at the time, this is what alerted me to seek a different sort of counseling because I was leaving sessions with more problems than I came with.