Adequately Inadequate.

"Oh, how do you pronounce that?? ...Neh-buh-ku-nezz-er ..??" I spoke these words 4 years ago during a women's bible study as I struggled while reading a passage out-loud. It was one of many times I felt a mixture of shame and embarrassment for my lack of knowledge of basic biblical terms, pronunciations, and theology.

It's pretty obvious, in christian circles, that in many ways I am still "catching up". You see, while many of you were off at bible camp, or singing "Jesus loves me" in Sunday school; I was running barefoot and playing kickball with the kids next door. I was ice fishing on lake Erie, with my dad, on a brisk day in February. I was grocery shopping with my mom and begging if I could "puhhleeeaasee push this cart this time!?" I was water skiing with my Papa driving the boat, while my Grandma waited at home with cookies ready for me. While  you were watching Veggie Tales or Little House On The Prarie, I was watching the Simpson's and MTV. While you were reading The Hobbit for the 20th time, I was reading Junie B Jones. I was playing softball in the heat of the summer or running miles to prepare for cross country season. I was biking and skinning knees and elbows -- scars I still have and boasted in many years ago.

When you were waking up for church on Sunday morning, I was waking up for my weekend shift at McDonald's. If I did happen to make it to our local Methodist church, my philosophy was "fake it till you make it", hoping if I was quiet enough or smiled enough no one would notice that I had no idea what the heck they were talking about.

Being a baby christian in an adult body can be intimidating to say the least, the fear of saying the wrong thing used to paralyze me. It doesn't anymore. The Lord graciously softened my heart at the age of 19, saving me, and He has been so faithful to pull me closer to Him ever since. At 25, I am still behind, yes, but it doesn't matter to me like it used to. As the Lord chips away at my pride it becomes clear to me that when I allow my fear of what others may think overpower me, I am literally letting satan get his way. Satan wants me to remain quiet. He wants me to never ask clarifying questions. He wants to keep me in that place of "faking it till I make it". He wants me to be so fearful of people that I never open my mouth or type a single God glorifying word.

And so I push back. I write anyways. I speak anyways.

In that fearful place, 4 years ago, when I was among some of the most intelligent women I've ever met, my knee jerk was to try harder, to study more, to memorize more. I wanted to catch up so I could keep up, but this always ended in tears and frustration. In my self dependency, I was pushing away my kind Father who truly and simply wanted me to call Him "Abba". He had already claimed me as His child, my only job was to allow Him to parent me and walk obediently to His commands.

The Lord is gentle and patient and oh so kind and He didn't give up on me, He heard my cries, He wept with me as I waded through shame and feelings of inadequacy. He has been with me and He has been shepherding me and He has been teaching me in the moments when I'm not trying to "be something". He teaches me in the gospels, He teaches me about His character and his purposes and his promises. He teaches me as I discipline my own kids, in love. He teaches me when I am fully dependent on Him, when I am crying out "Abba (daddy!) please help me! I cannot do this. My heart is hard and often filled with unbelief. I need your help." 

God isn't interested in our brains. He isn't interested in how many bible verses we can emotionlessly rattle off. Heck, without a deep and personal relationship with Jesus, it doesn't really matter how many times you've read the bible or how much theology you know. You can say and know all the right things and still have a dead heart to Jesus. He is interested only in our dependence on Him when we go to his word. He is interested in our rehearsing His promises to ourselves while clinging to His teachings because we know He is the only way. 

Being adequately inadequate is quite alright, friends, embrace it as you soak in Jesus' truths like glass of ice water on a hot day. It's when we aren't trying to prove something when God uses us the most. Trust Him, He loves you and He made you and equipped you to glorify Him. If we are so caught up in our own self glorification or pursuit of respect we aren't serving God, we are serving ourselves.