Saying Goodbye to Bean

 Bean snuggling with me while I was very recently pregnant with Grace

Today I unexpectedly had to consent to euthanizing our darling Bean cat. When I woke up this morning, I had no idea that I'd be sitting here this evening writing a blog post about our 4 year old cat dying.

For a bit of background, we found Bean, and her brother Eko (who ran away), near a dumpster just a month after Sam and I got married. These precious babies were just 3 weeks old and abandoned, so of course I insisted that we had to adopt them, and Sam wasn't hard to persuade. We bottle fed these kitties around the clock, taught them how to eat dry food, use the litter, etc. They were part of our family right away! Bean chose me as her favorite parent. She slept on me constantly, and was especially attuned to me while I was pregnant with Grace and Finley.

Earlier this week, Bean started acting strange, but we thought she had just been injured while playing outside, so we made her a little cozy spot to get some R&R and made sure the kids were extra gentle with her. This morning we decided we should probably take her to the vet to get her checked out so I started calling around to see if anyone would take her, but was turned down several times and eventually told to take her to the pet emergency center. So I packed up my cat and my two kids and off we went.

On our way to the vet, Bean had a seizure that lasted a couple minutes. I realized, in this moment, that she was probably not going to be coming home with us alive.

When we arrived I hauled my crew inside while busy techs asked me a hundred questions to which I mostly answered "I don't know what's wrong, I think she's dying" and we were eventually brought to a room to wait for Bean's prognosis. Meanwhile, we're in this little room, and Finley is loosing his mind because he's tired from refusing his nap today. I'm trying to keep myself together and the vet comes in to tell me that Bean probably has a brain parasite, is totally blind, and that she would recommend that I choose to euthanize her. So I said yes. I said yes, but I said yes with tears in my eyes.

I've always tried to be the girl with mega strength. The girl who doesn't need to cry, or grieve, or mourn. The one who can hold it together in front of her oblivious toddlers (or husband) through any storm. But God reminded me today (as I blubbered goodbyes and love yous to my cat) that I really am only human, I really do have a small capacity for burdens, and I really do need to draw on His strength in all moments. So off we trudged, dead cat in a box in one arm, toddler in the other, and a bouncing 3 yr old trailing behind. On our drive home Grace enthusiastically said "well that was a really fun day, can we go back to the vet soon?!" and I thanked God that she didn't understand what had just happened to Bean..although I know I'll have to tackle some tough questions through the next few days.

Psalm 18:6

"In my distress I called out to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From His temple he heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into His ears"