God power or Brain power?

Father, I pray that you would guide the words I am about to write. I pray that through these blog posts, you will shine, not me. I pray for wisdom , compassion, humility, and a sound mind. Amen.

As a parent to small children, I am hyper aware of all the messages out there for how to parent a child, not to mention my own predisposition to gravitate towards trendy techniques that might make me the "perfect" parent. There is an overabundance of information on what to do. I see statements like "if you breastfeed your child until the age of three years, two days, and 5 minutes, your child will be set up for an absolutely perfect life." or "If you ever put your child in timeout for more than 2 minutes, he'll grow up to resent you and never be a functioning human being". Yeah , yeah, I know those examples are dramatic and not actually things I've ever read, but seriously! It cannot be more true that EVERY one has got something to say about parenting, including myself. It has not been that long that I've realized God power is much bigger than brain power.

You see, Satan wants us to dwell and focus on our flaws as parents. We screw up, and he wants that mistake to fester and infect us. He wants to use a million different outside sources to distract us from the real purpose we serve as parents, and that is to raise them to know and love the Lord, higher than anything or anyone else! God's gift of grace extends into our day to day lives as moms and dads, and he uses every moment to teach and guide us, just as we do for our children. If you find yourself "losing it" again and feel totally frustrated, and inadequate to change these behaviors, it is vital to recognize that God is telling you something. He is telling you to give it to him, not yourself or the latest 5 step guide to be a better parent, or the newest blog that you've stumbled upon. He desires your heart in everything, and through your faith, prayer, and trust in him, he will transform you! By taking the burden on by our own strength and self discipline, we are pushing away the wonderful gift of grace and forgiveness and digging ourselves deeper into shame and self reliance.

 The bible tells us how to raise our children, both by the compassionate model of how Jesus interacted with people, and also by direct verses, like Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." We, as parents, are called to be used by God to raise our children, lovingly, and obediently and then; to trust that he is ultimately in control of them, and he is ultimately the one at work in their hearts. Settle on Job 23:13 for a moment which says "But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does." Allow this to bring peace to your heart and mind, and then pray earnestly, invite him into your day to day life, ask for help, thank him and adore him, and then go in confidence knowing that you've given it over to God.*

*This does not mean we parent passively, lazily, or abusively, but that we repent and move forward and continue to flood our minds with the truth of scripture. Godly mentors certainly can help along the way, God also instructs us to walk with those wiser than ourselves.

fresh slate

Fresh slate. 

What an appropriate title for the words I have to share this evening. If you've followed my blog at all (which I don't blame you if you haven't, it's pretty boring) than you'll notice that I've changed the name! My previous blog was titled "Wholly Healthy Mommy" - and it just didn't make sense anymore. I started this blog thinking that I would be seriously pursuing a "career" in fitness and nutrition while mommying, but at some point God pricked my heart and let me know that wasn't where he wanted me, so I put down the fitness coaching and full-on dived into motherhood....except not really. 

Here's where I get super vulnerable and say stuff that I didn't think I'd tell the whole world. Sometimes God has different plans for our struggles and triumphs, and the Spirit moves us to share in various ways. I have prayed and asked God for guidance through sharing my story, and I want it to be clear that my only mission is to provide hope for the hurting and to testify of the power of God. All disclaimers aside, about a year ago I experienced a breakdown far different than any I've ever experienced. Something snapped in my heart and I was drowning in sorrow, utterly shocked at how terrible of a person I was (am). My mission in motherhood had always been to raise kids who won't need to recover from their childhoods, but in that mission I had put myself higher than God and developed expectations for myself that were just not obtainable by humans. I was idolizing the way I looked to the outside world, as a mother, and working by my own strength (which is very weak by the way) to obtain these ideas of perfection.

My breaking point happened when I was so utterly disgusted in how evil my heart was and how utterly out of control I felt to change myself. I spent a weekend very seriously close to suicide, and several weeks wrestling thoughts telling me that dying was the only solution to the situation at hand. My identity was not rooted in Christ and his goodness and his power and his grace. My identity was rooted in lies telling me I was worthless, tired, inadequate, embarrassing, shameful...the list goes on.  

There were a few months where the crisis remedy was medication and some modern psychology-based therapy. This kept me afloat for a bit, but I knew God desired me to dig deeper. It wasn't about "self care" or divorcing* my husband or all these immediate relief based remedies that modern psychology preaches. Rather, there were some very deeply rooted sin issues that God was desiring to show me in order to draw me nearer to him...and, shocker, he was very successful in his plan! 

Only by God's sweet and perfect timing, I began meeting with a dear woman for Biblical counseling. She gently guided me out of my selfishness and into the love and grace only our heavenly father can offer. From there, I've moved forward in hope. I have confidence that the Spirit lives in me and is changing my heart every day (Ephesians 2:2). I have peace that God knows I am going to screw up parenting these kids... he knows that I am darn well far from perfect and that's exactly why he sent his son to die on the cross for me (Romans 3:23). I have faith that endures during the hard moments and faith that my obedience to God, and his instruction for me, will bring great joy (Romans 8:28). How wonderfully and beautifully Peter writes: "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to the living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you." (1 Peter 1:3-4) Amen! 

So friends, I leave you here with this one thought. Do you carry the burden of life entirely on your own? Are you weary and confused and drowning? Yes? I urge you to give your burdens to Christ. I urge you to surrender to his great power and watch as he transforms your heart. I urge you to take comfort from the only perfect father. I urge you to turn away from yourself and turn toward him and then soak in his goodness. Just be held.

*This statement is very much based on my personal experience with modern psychology. I would leave sessions feeling entitled, and angry at Sam, instead of humbling myself to my own faults.  Divorce was tossed around several times by my therapist as an easy way to "be happier", and the over all message was that I needed to think only about myself in order to find peace. Jesus models the exact opposite in his selflessness, and sacrificial nature. My prayer is More of Jesus, less of me, and through that process I have found joy far greater than the idea of living solely for myself and what I want. I want to add that Sam and I were really not having major issues at the time, this is what alerted me to seek a different sort of counseling because I was leaving sessions with more problems than I came with.