Saying Goodbye to Bean

 Bean snuggling with me while I was very recently pregnant with Grace

Today I unexpectedly had to consent to euthanizing our darling Bean cat. When I woke up this morning, I had no idea that I'd be sitting here this evening writing a blog post about our 4 year old cat dying.

For a bit of background, we found Bean, and her brother Eko (who ran away), near a dumpster just a month after Sam and I got married. These precious babies were just 3 weeks old and abandoned, so of course I insisted that we had to adopt them, and Sam wasn't hard to persuade. We bottle fed these kitties around the clock, taught them how to eat dry food, use the litter, etc. They were part of our family right away! Bean chose me as her favorite parent. She slept on me constantly, and was especially attuned to me while I was pregnant with Grace and Finley.

Earlier this week, Bean started acting strange, but we thought she had just been injured while playing outside, so we made her a little cozy spot to get some R&R and made sure the kids were extra gentle with her. This morning we decided we should probably take her to the vet to get her checked out so I started calling around to see if anyone would take her, but was turned down several times and eventually told to take her to the pet emergency center. So I packed up my cat and my two kids and off we went.

On our way to the vet, Bean had a seizure that lasted a couple minutes. I realized, in this moment, that she was probably not going to be coming home with us alive.

When we arrived I hauled my crew inside while busy techs asked me a hundred questions to which I mostly answered "I don't know what's wrong, I think she's dying" and we were eventually brought to a room to wait for Bean's prognosis. Meanwhile, we're in this little room, and Finley is loosing his mind because he's tired from refusing his nap today. I'm trying to keep myself together and the vet comes in to tell me that Bean probably has a brain parasite, is totally blind, and that she would recommend that I choose to euthanize her. So I said yes. I said yes, but I said yes with tears in my eyes.

I've always tried to be the girl with mega strength. The girl who doesn't need to cry, or grieve, or mourn. The one who can hold it together in front of her oblivious toddlers (or husband) through any storm. But God reminded me today (as I blubbered goodbyes and love yous to my cat) that I really am only human, I really do have a small capacity for burdens, and I really do need to draw on His strength in all moments. So off we trudged, dead cat in a box in one arm, toddler in the other, and a bouncing 3 yr old trailing behind. On our drive home Grace enthusiastically said "well that was a really fun day, can we go back to the vet soon?!" and I thanked God that she didn't understand what had just happened to Bean..although I know I'll have to tackle some tough questions through the next few days.

Psalm 18:6

"In my distress I called out to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From His temple he heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into His ears" 

 

It's a Bit of a Fixer Upper

Last week, we stepped foot into our new (to us) home. We were greeted by about 600 spiders, a thick layer of grime on our feet, the wafting smell of dead mice, 4 different schemes of wallpaper, and some really sketchy aromas in our 50's style bathroom. We couldn't have been more excited!

(Exhibit A. bathroom straight from the 50's, possibly with a hint of mold)

I know that more than one person will walk through our home in the next year, thinking to themselves "What in the world were Sam and Annette thinking, and why do they love this home so much?!" ...The answer is simple--We see the potential, and it is absolutely thrilling that we get to carry out that potential, as a family, and make this our home.

This is exactly how Jesus loves us and pursues us, He intimately knows the dark corners of our minds. He has slept in the cobwebs, He's inhaled the poisonous mold, He has touched the dirt on our feet. He sees us, He knows us, and He still loves us.  Not only that, but He sees how beautiful we can be, He sees our potential, and He tells us that all we need is to trust in Him, and allow the Holy Spirit to come set up shop in our hearts.

Every home, no matter how nice, will give out in some way or another. Whether that's a leaky basement or an infestation of fleas, we can be certain that our dwelling place will need repair. Man is no different. We are desperate for Jesus! It doesn't matter if you're the home that has been built with the best of materials, or the home that is perhaps crumbling a bit and hard to look at. Both are equally as needy.

Sam and I were so in love with this home, that we offered $10,000 over the asking price. Not only that, we were willing to overlook anything that came up in the inspection that would cost under $2,000, in the spirit of keeping things simple and appealing for the seller. This was a sacrifice for us and we had to trust that this was really what we wanted and be willing to sign up for some hard work and potentially some suffering.

Jesus invested in us, as humans, in a much more sacrificial way! He purchased us, by His blood, on the cross. He came to earth, as man, and suffered for us! His agony was so immense leading up to the crucifixion, that His sweat became like blood as He prayed to the Father (Luke 22:44). But even still, He died for us, while crying out "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46).

Do you see what a "fixer upper" you are?  Bask in His grace and His mercy, and allow yourself to be transformed and remade by the Holy Spirit. Invite Him into all of the dark corners, and even the clean corners, because even those spaces are dirty. Steep in His truth as watch your life be taken into His hands!

Father, Thank you so much that through you, I have been remade. Thank you that I am a new creation, and that you are able to use a sinner, like me, to advance your kingdom. Thank you for pursuing my dirty heart. Thank you for loving me perfectly when I am unlovable. Thank you that I can trust that your ways are best and that I can walk confidently with you, knowing that you only want good for me. God, I invite you into my heart today and everyday, and ask that you'd rebuild all the broken and ugly pieces. I pray for more of you, and less of me.
 In your name I pray. 
Amen.