What an appropriate title for the words I have to share this evening. If you've followed my blog at all (which I don't blame you if you haven't, it's pretty boring) than you'll notice that I've changed the name! My previous blog was titled "Wholly Healthy Mommy" - and it just didn't make sense anymore. I started this blog thinking that I would be seriously pursuing a "career" in fitness and nutrition while mommying, but at some point God pricked my heart and let me know that wasn't where he wanted me, so I put down the fitness coaching and full-on dived into motherhood....except not really.
Here's where I get super vulnerable and say stuff that I didn't think I'd tell the whole world. Sometimes God has different plans for our struggles and triumphs, and the Spirit moves us to share in various ways. I have prayed and asked God for guidance through sharing my story, and I want it to be clear that my only mission is to provide hope for the hurting and to testify of the power of God. All disclaimers aside, about a year ago I experienced a breakdown far different than any I've ever experienced. Something snapped in my heart and I was drowning in sorrow, utterly shocked at how terrible of a person I was (am). My mission in motherhood had always been to raise kids who won't need to recover from their childhoods, but in that mission I had put myself higher than God and developed expectations for myself that were just not obtainable by humans. I was idolizing the way I looked to the outside world, as a mother, and working by my own strength (which is very weak by the way) to obtain these ideas of perfection.
My breaking point happened when I was so utterly disgusted in how evil my heart was and how utterly out of control I felt to change myself. I spent a weekend very seriously close to suicide, and several weeks wrestling thoughts telling me that dying was the only solution to the situation at hand. My identity was not rooted in Christ and his goodness and his power and his grace. My identity was rooted in lies telling me I was worthless, tired, inadequate, embarrassing, shameful...the list goes on.
There were a few months where the crisis remedy was medication and some modern psychology-based therapy. This kept me afloat for a bit, but I knew God desired me to dig deeper. It wasn't about "self care" or divorcing* my husband or all these immediate relief based remedies that modern psychology preaches. Rather, there were some very deeply rooted sin issues that God was desiring to show me in order to draw me nearer to him...and, shocker, he was very successful in his plan!
Only by God's sweet and perfect timing, I began meeting with a dear woman for Biblical counseling. She gently guided me out of my selfishness and into the love and grace only our heavenly father can offer. From there, I've moved forward in hope. I have confidence that the Spirit lives in me and is changing my heart every day (Ephesians 2:2). I have peace that God knows I am going to screw up parenting these kids... he knows that I am darn well far from perfect and that's exactly why he sent his son to die on the cross for me (Romans 3:23). I have faith that endures during the hard moments and faith that my obedience to God, and his instruction for me, will bring great joy (Romans 8:28). How wonderfully and beautifully Peter writes: "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to the living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you." (1 Peter 1:3-4) Amen!
So friends, I leave you here with this one thought. Do you carry the burden of life entirely on your own? Are you weary and confused and drowning? Yes? I urge you to give your burdens to Christ. I urge you to surrender to his great power and watch as he transforms your heart. I urge you to take comfort from the only perfect father. I urge you to turn away from yourself and turn toward him and then soak in his goodness. Just be held.
*This statement is very much based on my personal experience with modern psychology. I would leave sessions feeling entitled, and angry at Sam, instead of humbling myself to my own faults. Divorce was tossed around several times by my therapist as an easy way to "be happier", and the over all message was that I needed to think only about myself in order to find peace. Jesus models the exact opposite in his selflessness, and sacrificial nature. My prayer is More of Jesus, less of me, and through that process I have found joy far greater than the idea of living solely for myself and what I want. I want to add that Sam and I were really not having major issues at the time, this is what alerted me to seek a different sort of counseling because I was leaving sessions with more problems than I came with.
*This statement is very much based on my personal experience with modern psychology. I would leave sessions feeling entitled, and angry at Sam, instead of humbling myself to my own faults. Divorce was tossed around several times by my therapist as an easy way to "be happier", and the over all message was that I needed to think only about myself in order to find peace. Jesus models the exact opposite in his selflessness, and sacrificial nature. My prayer is More of Jesus, less of me, and through that process I have found joy far greater than the idea of living solely for myself and what I want. I want to add that Sam and I were really not having major issues at the time, this is what alerted me to seek a different sort of counseling because I was leaving sessions with more problems than I came with.
Annette, thank you for sharing what are truly your most personal and private thoughts. While reading this I started to feel like I was intruding on something that maybe you didn't want me to know. Then I thought, No, she posted this because she wants to help the rest of us. I have to agree with you about the selfishness of modern psychology and how they attempt to make us happy when we are so depressed. They seem to stop at nothing in what they suggest to us in their all out effort to make us "happy." Having gone through a divorce myself that was selfishly motivated, here I am decades later wishing I hadn't taken that route. Now, I have learned to lean more on Jesus as you have and He guides me in my decisions. Unfortunately, I did not lean on Him or the Bible years ago when I left my husband and father of my two sons. At my ripe old age of 70, I have learned finally that we must learn to take happiness from the smallest gifts of life. And give thanks to the Lord for those gifts, be they small or large. And when we can lean on the Lord and honestly tell him that we know we have fallen short and that He is the only perfect thing in the universe, not ourselves, then we can move ahead with a more meaningful life. Tonight I give thanks that you have found that relationship with Jesus at a relatively early age. And when someone else tells us that is what we need to do, it is meaningless, but when we honestly go to our knees in heartfelt prayer and remorse and sadness or need, that's when we get breakthrough and Jesus touches our hearts. So I thank God for your sincere blog that we all can use to help us with our own depths of despair by remembering you and your walk and how your reaching out to Jesus brought it all into focus for you. None of us like to admit that our lives sometimes do spin out of control. We all want the world to think we've got it all under control. But I believe everyone gets to that place at times in their lives and Jesus is the Only One who can bring it into focus for us again. Our lives can't be perfect. We are not in Heaven. So we must learn to wade through the rough currents by holding onto Jesus. Thank you so much for sharing. I love you even more. Aunt Dottie
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