Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Reflections of a year gone by

A little over a week ago, we celebrated our son's first birthday.

You can read the story of our home birth here 

Wow. one year...in many ways, it feels like it's been one day but at the same time, some of those days felt like years. After Grace's first year, I was convinced that no other baby could be more difficult than her. I was kinda right...Finley was, in general, a calmer baby. He certainly wasn't the easiest of babes, and I quickly discovered that each child brings their own unique challenges. Postpartum, for me, is HARD. Like really, really hard. After Finn was born, I found myself crying uncontrollably over my lost connection with Grace...I think this was/is the hardest part of having a second child. I would sit, stranded, under a nursing newborn while so desperately wanting to snuggle and hold my precious little girl. Don't get me wrong...Finley absolutely won my heart over the moment he was born, but that didn't stop me from feeling a deep loss. I would cry to Sam, saying I felt like Grace had died....that's the only way I could describe the intensity of my grief over being a mama to two instead of one. I think these feelings were legit, but also that I was in the grips of postpartum depression/anxiety, something I never dealt with after Grace was born and something I was going to HAVE to face this time around if I was going to survive and keep the kids alive. A truth that has left me afraid for more kids and sad for the days I've lost from not being fully present in my children's lives. My concoction for bringing myself out of the darkness has been, counseling, medication, exercise, LOTS of praying, and LOTS of time in the word. I still stare in awe when I see a postpartum mama functioning like a normal human being...like having another kid was just like eating another piece of pizza when you're already full; no biggie, just a little uncomfortable. Even a year later, I still feel a little out of sorts. I still have days where I beg God to give me the strength to endure this season. I still have moments of illogical, paranoid thinking, I still feel low, at times, for no reason at all, and I still feel like screaming when I hear Finley cry. But a year later, I can say with confidence, that I would do it all again. Children have this way of changing us and making us face the skeletons in our closets. Children help us grow wiser, more patient, confident in our beliefs, and more compassionate. And most important, children love us in a way that can't be described. A love that is forgiving and understanding and so beautiful.

until next time.

Friday, May 13, 2016

A note on Love



I write about our kids ALL the time..when I go anywhere without our kids I feel naked. I pour every ounce of myself into trying to be a perfect mother to our kids. A podcast I recently listened to had me rethinking about this and I realized that without my kids I don't really have much of an identity. This reality hit me shortly after Finley was born, as well, and I went through a difficult time of trying to understand who I am and who God wants me to be. My life has changed so rapidly in the past 5 years, sometimes it's hard to come up for air and take a look at all that's happened.

My sweet husband. this amazing guy...he's been with me through it all. We've been together since I was 15 and he was 18. It's really astonishing to think of all our relationship has survived. He watched me destroy my body for 4 years as I switched back and forth from anorexia and bulimia...but seriously...I think of the person I was back then and I was SO unlovable. And yet he loved me through it and always did anything and everything he could to help me. Sound like anyone you know? ahem, Jesus?

He has known me when I was cursing God, lying, and manipulating. He knew me when I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart and was saved by God's amazing Grace. He knew me through recovering from my eating disorder and adjusting my entire outlook on life itself. He knew me through the transformation that happened once I put my trust in Jesus. He has been patient with me as I continue to learn and grow.

Our relationship is an amazing example of God working with something impossible. It's a miracle we stayed together all of those years. Sam was a hardworking, good guy, and I was a rebellious brat (to be perfectly honest). When I look back on this; it's so easy to see that it was God who brought us together, and God who has kept us together.

As we navigate through parenthood together, our lives have totally flipped yet again. We are continually transforming, changing, and growing...We are completely different people then we were when we got married almost 3 years ago. The one thing that remains constant, is our hope in Jesus! Amen!

 While cutting his hair tonight I felt this giddiness that only love can manifest..not because cutting hair is super duper fun, but because I know that we are living in a season of our lives that we'll look back on with joy for many years to come. How crazy is it that most days, I (we) am (are) truly not appreciating this season of life!! It's so easy to neglect our marriage when there's little ones needing attention.

So while I'm feeling this love I want to write about my man. Sam is a truly special breed :) He is goofy and so easygoing. He was cracking jokes while I birthed our children and asking ridiculous questions like "Do you want a smoothie" while I was in the middle of pushing a child out of my body! Sam is passionate about writing (learn something new everyday, huh?), Sam is intelligent and wise beyond his years, yet he has the playfulness of a child. Sam is the most amazing father to our kids. It's a rarity for me to hear Sam complain about anything. I love my guy, and so blessed to call him my husband. I am thankful for you, Sam! Happy almost 3 years!!

Love,
Annette




Thursday, March 31, 2016

Slow down baby girl





My sweet Grace.

My challenging, darling, amazing, life-changing child.

Slow down.

It feels as if time is running through my fingers, like sand. Just a whirlwind of days and nights all smashed together. When I come up for a breath, you learn how to crawl. you learn how to walk. you learn how to say "mama" and a million other words that I can't quite always make out. And somehow, in the midst of all of this, my heart expands and we welcome your brother, Finley, into the world.

My sweet Grace

Your ringlets of blond hair mesmerize me. Your sweet little nose and that smile that tells me you're up to something. Little fingers that are itching to explore and dig in the mud. Little toes that pitter patter across the wood floors. And your little lips that you use to kiss me goodnight.

My sweet Grace.

You push me to unfathomable anger. You drive me to God pleading for guidance that I will raise you correctly, and praying that I don't ruin you. You make me question every single choice that I make. You scare me to death at the slightest chance that I'd ever lose you, and it makes me want to keep you from the world. But I can't.

My sweet Grace.

Even in my imperfection and sinfulness, you love me unconditionally. You forgive me for being too tired, you forgive me for being too busy, you forgive me for not always having time. In the morning, you run to me and throw your arms around me as if it's been days since we've seen each other...I just want to pause in that moment forever. Slow down baby girl.

don't grow up too quickly.