Reflections of a year gone by

A little over a week ago, we celebrated our son's first birthday.

You can read the story of our home birth here 

Wow. one year...in many ways, it feels like it's been one day but at the same time, some of those days felt like years. After Grace's first year, I was convinced that no other baby could be more difficult than her. I was kinda right...Finley was, in general, a calmer baby. He certainly wasn't the easiest of babes, and I quickly discovered that each child brings their own unique challenges. Postpartum, for me, is HARD. Like really, really hard. After Finn was born, I found myself crying uncontrollably over my lost connection with Grace...I think this was/is the hardest part of having a second child. I would sit, stranded, under a nursing newborn while so desperately wanting to snuggle and hold my precious little girl. Don't get me wrong...Finley absolutely won my heart over the moment he was born, but that didn't stop me from feeling a deep loss. I would cry to Sam, saying I felt like Grace had died....that's the only way I could describe the intensity of my grief over being a mama to two instead of one. I think these feelings were legit, but also that I was in the grips of postpartum depression/anxiety, something I never dealt with after Grace was born and something I was going to HAVE to face this time around if I was going to survive and keep the kids alive. A truth that has left me afraid for more kids and sad for the days I've lost from not being fully present in my children's lives. My concoction for bringing myself out of the darkness has been, counseling, medication, exercise, LOTS of praying, and LOTS of time in the word. I still stare in awe when I see a postpartum mama functioning like a normal human being...like having another kid was just like eating another piece of pizza when you're already full; no biggie, just a little uncomfortable. Even a year later, I still feel a little out of sorts. I still have days where I beg God to give me the strength to endure this season. I still have moments of illogical, paranoid thinking, I still feel low, at times, for no reason at all, and I still feel like screaming when I hear Finley cry. But a year later, I can say with confidence, that I would do it all again. Children have this way of changing us and making us face the skeletons in our closets. Children help us grow wiser, more patient, confident in our beliefs, and more compassionate. And most important, children love us in a way that can't be described. A love that is forgiving and understanding and so beautiful.

until next time.