"I'll Be Home Late Tonight"

The "I'll be home late" text, oh how I dread it. Last week, I received that text everyday, and it left me reflecting on how I should honor my husband through a season of late nights. There was a time not too long ago, that I would respond to these late nights with anger and bitterness. My selfishness and entitlement would take over, and I would not receive my husband well when he finally walked through the door. The Holy Spirit has done work in my heart, and I've learned a few things over the past couple years that Sam has been at a demanding job. As I reflected and reminded myself of these truths this week, I wanted to share what God has taught me. 

Making him feel guilty isn't helpful.

Chances are, your hubby is just a bummed as you are to be spending most of his time at work. He very likely feels torn between spending time with family and being a reliable employee. When I'm tempted to guilt Sam about being away so much, I practice the good ol' "if I were in his shoes" trick and it helps bring me back to reality -- that this is difficult for both of us. 

He's not someone to throw the kids at

Too often I count down the hours until I can throw the kids at Sam and "check out" of the family. I don't physically go anywhere, but I am not present or available to my husband and kids. By all means, parents are a team, but that doesn't mean you should greet your husband at the door with "here's  the kids, see ya". Give him a hug, tell him you love him and you've missed him, tell him you appreciate him, and then ask for help where it's needed. I totally understand that different seasons call for different lifestyles, but it is absolutely vital in a marriage to remember that you are a team, not enemies. 

Check your own heart 

Ask yourself and pray to God to reveal to you why you may be feeling angry or bitter towards your husband. I have evaluated my own heart and have noticed common themes which I'll list here:

• Unrealistic expectations: I am far more content when I don't expect Sam home at a specific time. When I see the day as an opportunity rather than a burden, I feel more prepared to "mom" for as long as the kids need me, and then I'm not so prone to counting down the hours until Sam gets home. 
•  Entitlement: Sometimes I feel a great sense of entitlement that I deserve a break, which is really an issue of not having faith in God's promises. He promises to us that he will be with us and for us, and He will supply us with what we need. When I feel afraid that I won't get a break or feel entitled that I deserve a break, it is helpful to remember that our Savior is for me, not against me, and that He promises to care for me (Ps. 55:22, 1 Peter 5:7, Matt 11:28-30).
• Idolizing my husband: I have time and time again fallen into the lie that my husband is my everything. This is damaging, not only to our marriage, but also in my relationship with God. When I expect Sam to meet all of my needs and "save" me when life is tough, I am inevitably disappointed because I am looking in the wrong direction for sustainability. My role as Sam's wife is to love him selflessly, serve him selflessly, and pray for him fervently. 

Take care of your own basic needs

I so feel all of you reading who just feel "burnt out" and you're thinking that everything I am typing is easier said than done, and you're right. In our weak human state, we have basic human needs that need to be met and we absolutely need humility to know our own limitations. I make my time with God a priority every day, which is vital for surviving this season of little kids who demand my constant attention. It isn't at all a "duty" type of thing, but rather a necessity that I spend time before God being refueled with His truth and his love for me. I also notice a huge difference in how I feel by how I am caring for my body and how I am spending my few moments in the day without the kids. It is so important to prioritize what is "life-giving" and "life-taking" in order to not drown in the sea of your children's needs. This also means being intentional with commitments, because sometimes it's not your kids who are draining you, it's actually all the other stuff that is demanding your time and energy. Be practical and be humble. 

To all you beautiful daughters of Christ-- you are precious, you are loved, and you are seen by our Creator. He will sustain you and He will equip you if you find your rest in Him. Hang in there mama.

Why I'm Ditching my Smartphone.

Last week we embarked on a trip to PA, where both of our families live. We were blessed with delicious food, wonderful conversation, and even some space so Sam and I could have a date in the same town we met. We stayed with Sam's parents, and I was so happy and content to spend an afternoon sitting in a cozy chair by the fireplace, and reading a book by John Piper that Sam and I have been working through. God is so perfect and gentle in His timing, and He chose this moment to test my faith and convict my heart.

I have an addiction to my smartphone, and God knows.

I could sugar coat this confession, however there really isn't any reason to. The truth is, I struggle to stay present with my kids during the day and find myself wasting too much time scrolling through social media rather than living presently in the very moment God has blessed me with. My smartphone addiction is robbing me of my children's little years. This isn't a new conviction for me, it's something I became immediately aware of when we dived into the world of smartphones, 3 years ago. Sure, it didn't help that I had a newborn who would only sleep on me for the first year of her life, or that I spent countless hours nursing that colicky babe, but the heart issue has always been there, which is that I prefer to mindlessly live in a different world aside from the one I am physically in. My heart craves the interaction that facebook offers and the potential self-glory my own life might portray on social media.

Since God has actually been pricking my heart to ditch the smartphone for years, this is hardly an admirable act of obedience. It took that afternoon by the fireplace for me to finally accept that I need to take this step in obedience and that I need to trust God with the fears I have related to giving up something that seems so vital in our world, today.

Matthew 5:29 says; "If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell." 

This is the verse God used to speak to me. It's a verse I have read and known for years, but in this particular case of sin I am dealing with, it became clear that I need to take this issue very seriously as an issue that is ultimately coming between my relationship with God. God doesn't literally mean for us to tear our eyes out if they "cause us to sin" but He is rather using this extreme example to show us how deadly sin is. I have tried self disciplining myself with smartphone restrictions of app blockers, but the temptation is always there, and I eventually fall short of my efforts. 

I doubt I'll be smartphone-less forever but for now, it's what I need to do and I am trusting God to bring me joy through this choice. I am looking forward to a simpler life and I'm thankful that I have the freedom to not have a smartphone (I know this isn't possible for everyone because of work situations). I am praying that God will use these years to cultivate a strong desire to serve Him, without needing other's approval and applaud.

Until next time, 
Annette. 

P.S. I still plan on blogging and look forward to sharing how life is without a smartphone ;)

When The Person You Love Most Becomes Fragile

It was Friday, October 13th when our lives were thrown majorly off balance, the day before was like any other - we had no idea what was to come for the next month.

Sam came home from work that Friday and went straight to the bedroom to lie down. He was having stomach pain he said, and I braced myself for a potential weekend of the stomach flu. Around 7pm he started vomiting, and the vomiting continued all. night. long. In desperation for him to feel some relief I urged him to go to the ER in the morning, where he was given pain medication and anti-nausea medication and sent on his way. Still very sick on Sunday, he went to urgent care and was told that he was just unlucky and having a hard time with a stomach bug. Still very sick on Monday, he went to urgent care and was finally diagnosed with a ruptured appendix. 

Again, we were naive to what sort of suffering God had in store for us, I drove Sam to the hospital and we both figured he'd have his appendix out and be home the next day. This was not true at all. In fact, Sam was just beginning a 3 week hospital stay where he would face physical and mental suffering like he'd never known before, and I was just beginning 3 weeks of emotional suffering I'd never known before.  

 

Antibiotics

IV fluids

He can't eat? 

He doesn't want to eat

Surgery

Home

Hospital

Home 

Kids

Husband

Need, need, need

Surgery

He's really sick

Sepsis

He's not eating. He's not drinking

I'm not sleeping. I'm not eating

Pregnant? I forgot

Antibiotics 

Cry

Pray

Surgery

Please God, make him better.  

This was the summation of my fleshly thoughts while Sam was sick. I could hardly take the roller coaster of what our life had turned into, and was constantly obsessing with how Sam was doing. Most days I woke up, went to the hospital, came home, put the kids to sleep, went back to the hospital, came home to put the kids to bed, and then went back to the hospital. But God. He was teaching, and He was stretching, and He was and still is using this to grow me and to grow Sam. Once I surrendered to this, I was at peace knowing that when God felt like this should end, He would make it end. the bitterness and anger slowly melted towards the multiple misdiagnoses that led Sam into this medical crisis. And so I prayed as my husband went in and out of surgery and I prayed when he was too weak to say hello to me. I prayed when looking at him was difficult, because I hardly recognized the 15 pounds thinner husband of mine. I prayed when the kids wanted Daddy. I prayed and I prayed and God was with me and I am thankful. 

One day I was driving to the hospital and talking to God and I felt Him ask me; "Am I enough? Would you be ok without your husband?" And somehow, God gave me the strength in my heart to answer yes, I would be ok. I would be deeply, deeply grieved, but I trusted God enough to let Him know that I would be ok. The kids would be ok, I know That HE would be taking care of us and leading us through it all. This was, perhaps, the biggest growth in my faith through this trial, and praise God that He has chosen to bring Sam back into our home and praise God that Sam is now healthy. Praise God, too, that I have the strength in my faith to know that whatever trial God puts us/me through, I can trust Him and I can be unafraid of whatever outcome, because my hope is not of the things in this world, but in the heavenly places. 

When the person you love most becomes fragile, it is hard and it is heartbreaking and it is confusing. But it is not the end, it is mearly a blip in God's massively beautiful plan.

 

A glimpse into my walk with anxiety

Anxiety. I have debated long and hard about writing this. I don't know why the Lord has called me to share through blogging, but He has, so I am trusting that He is walking through these posts with me, and helping me to express what He desires me to share. So tonight, with shaking hands, I am writing just a piece of my story, in hopes that others can find encouragement. Including myself.

As I sit here in my living room, staring at my son's deflating football balloon from his second birthday, I am at a loss for words. When something has been a part of you for so long, it's hard to know where to begin. I can't remember a time in my life that I wasn't anxious. I can't even tell you how many years I was experiencing panic attacks without even realizing there was a name for my suffering, but I know it was long enough for me to assume that it was normal to feel the way I did. It would take me so long to describe the triggers which set off my anxiety, so I will highlight what I remember most.

When I was young, it was a persistent and nagging feeling that something wasn't right. I don't think I could've described what wasn't right, but it left me hyper, overly talkative, and usually annoying to be around. As I moved into the middle school ages my anxiety became more consuming and manifested in obsessive behaviors. I can remember a phase of covering my mouth when talking to my friends because I was sure I talked in a "weird" way. I also remember always carrying cough drops because I was terrified I'd have a coughing attack at an inopportune time. The obsessiveness moved into my athletics after I heard drinking milk could give you a stomachache while running. Since I was a cross country runner, I was diligent to not have anything with milk or milk itself during cross country season, and if I accidentally did, I'd obsess over it in my mind for days, sure that something terrible was going to happen.

Moving into high school, the obsessiveness worsened. As I started to excel in cross country, I became more paranoid and started making myself go to bed at 7pm the night before races. This developed into a battle with insomnia and a reliance on Tylenol PM which probably worked more like a placebo than anything else. I would also make sure to get home from school as soon as possible so that I could eat dinner early (cause, ya know, I needed 12 hours to properly digest that dinner) and start my routine of stretching and packing my bag for the next day. I would fantasize about how wonderful I'd feel when the race was over, and console myself with the rest that would follow.

When I started getting into my adult years, I was noticing how emotionally off balance I was. During college, I would have nights that I would just cry for hours, sometimes I'd punch a wall or sometimes I would roam the streets of our small town into the late hours of the night, just hoping someone could save me from me. I felt totally paralyzed when it came to studying, sure that I would fail, anyway, and that there was no use trying. If I wasted one hour of time, I would throw in the towel and give up completely. My battle with bulimia was also at it's worst, and I would frantically binge and purge over and over as if the food could permanently console me, but as soon as I'd finish purging, I felt emptiness like I can't describe, and total powerlessness over myself. Around this time I started thinking more about God, the guy who I always claimed to know but He felt like a third cousin. Someone I knew existed, but someone I felt so disconnected to that it didn't matter He existed.

I was having trouble making phone calls, trouble answering the door, trouble going to the post office to mail a package. I can't tell you what I was afraid of, I was just afraid. I ended up failing out of college and moving in with my now in-laws. During that time I found some healing, I grew in my relationship with Christ (I believe this is when I was saved), and I made a once-and-for-all recovery from my 6 yr battle with bulimia. Sam and I got married and everything felt wonderful for awhile.

Now, as a mother to two, I still feel my anxiety. I felt it when they were newborns and I couldn't make them sleep or stop crying. I feel it when something bad could happen to them, but it doesn't, and I replay what could've happened over and over. I feel it when we've all had a hard day, and I feel like I will ruin the kids, forever. I feel it as the days get darker, earlier, and it seems as if the darkness is an entire world of it's own. Threatening to suck me in forever. I feel it when we all get sick and we're stuck at home for a week, but I'm sure we'll never get out of the house again. I feel it when I have a deep conversation with someone and can't stop analyzing my words. I feel it when I'm on a bridge because I know I won't, but I know I could jump.

I feel it, but it doesn't navigate my life and all my thoughts like it used to. I feel it, but I know that I am a child of God and that He promises He has a plan for me. I feel it, but I know He is in control so I don't need to be. I feel it, but I fight it with verses, and hymns, and prayers. I feel it, but I know I don't need to be afraid anymore. 

You are the God who sees me

If you haven't caught on by my blog posts or social media posts, motherhood has not come easy to me. Especially stay-at-home, round-the-clock, no breaks motherhood. I'm not sure it's easy for any mom to be followed around all day by little people who constantly need something, although I certainly have mom friends who carry through motherhood a little more lightly than I. For me, it was a shock that I wasn't finding joy in being a mom. Since I was little, I knew I ultimately wanted to be a homemaker. I'd dream of having 6 kids, speaking in a sing-songy voice all the time, always smelling and looking beautiful, having an endless supply of energy, and of course never having a Mom body.

Well. The news that being a Mom was less than stellar was broken to me the very night my first was born. I sat on the toilet, after giving birth, with the nurse staring at me waiting for me to pee. I looked down at the cushion of what was left of my once baby-filled belly..sagging and scattered with stretch marks. And then I left that bathroom to a colicky baby who treated me as a human cow for months to follow. When I wasn't nursing that tiny alien, I was either crying from exhaustion, bouncing her on an exercise ball, or doing a combination of all three. I thought it would get easier. It didn't.

If it wasn't sleep deprivation, it was loneliness, or boredom, or frustration. And when one little alien became two little aliens, it didn't feel like a blessing, it felt like a curse. I wanted to be a mother for all the wrong reasons, and boy oh boy has the Lord used motherhood to expose all the ugliness in my heart!

Being a stay at home mom is a very unseen and thankless job. As I navigate through sibling rivalry, sorting out discipline, choosing what their bodies are fed with, scheduling out days that don't all look identical, folding and putting away laundry, doing the dishes (by hand right now), vacuuming, washing the windows, making the beds, changing diapers, cleaning up puke, putting the toys away.....the list goes on. Nobody sees me. Nobody is giving me a raise or a pat on the back. Nobody is nominating me for employee of the month. Nobody is seeing my bad days and asking if I'm ok. Nobody is seeing my good days and admiring my work. It is quite possibly the most unseen and isolated job out there.

But this is good. This is very good. It has taken over 3 years of working out some deeply rooted sin and fighting against a self-absorbed mind, but God has shown me that He sees me and that it's enough that He sees me. As His child, I am not working for anyone else, I am working for Him and for His glory alone. Let's take a look at Genesis 16, which has humbled me and made me deeply thankful!

 Now Sarai, Abram's wife, had borne him no children. She had a female Egyptian servant whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said to Abram, “Behold now, the Lord has prevented me from bearing children. Go in to my servant; it may be that I shall obtain children by her.” And Abram listened to the voice of Sarai. So, after Abram had lived ten years in the land of Canaan, Sarai, Abram's wife, took Hagar the Egyptian, her servant, and gave her to Abram her husband as a wife. And he went in to Hagar, and she conceived. And when she saw that she had conceived, she looked with contempt on her mistress. And Sarai said to Abram, “May the wrong done to me be on you! I gave my servant to your embrace, and when she saw that she had conceived, she looked on me with contempt. May the Lord judge between you and me!” But Abram said to Sarai, “Behold, your servant is in your power; do to her as you please.” Then Sarai dealt harshly with her, and she fled from her. The angel of the Lord found her by a spring of water in the wilderness, the spring on the way to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?” She said, “I am fleeing from my mistress Sarai.” The angel of the Lord said to her, “Return to your mistress and submit to her.” The angel of the Lord also said to her, “I will surely multiply your offspring so that they cannot be numbered for multitude.” And the angel of the Lord said to her,

“Behold, you are pregnant
    and shall bear a son.
You shall call his name Ishmael,
    because the Lord has listened to your affliction. 

 He shall be a wild donkey of a man,
    his hand against everyone
    and everyone's hand against him,
and he shall dwell over against all his kinsmen.”

So she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, “You are a God of seeing,” for she said, “Truly here I have seen him who looks after me.” ¹⁴ Therefore the well was called Beer-lahai-roi; it lies between Kadesh and Bered. And Hagar bore Abram a son, and Abram called the name of his son, whom Hagar bore, Ishmael. Abram was eighty-six years old when Hagar bore Ishmael to Abram.

This is such a beautiful story. It is simply amazing that the Lord spoke to Hagar, told her to go back as a servant and submit to Sarai, and then told Hagar that she'd give birth to a wild donkey of a man. The Lord wasn't saying "Go back, and Sarai will die and Abram will dote on you and you'll give birth and live happily ever after as a perfect little family". But yet, after all of this was said, Hagar simply said "You are a God of seeing" and she obeyed his commands. It was precious enough to Hagar that the Lord knew her and saw her that she was able to submit to a life that looked less than stellar, and was able to trust that the Lord was equipping her and would give her joy. 

I'm encouraging my heart to reflect on this story in all the moments that I feel unseen. He sees me. He sees me. He sees me. I'll end this with a prayer. 

Father God, precious Lord. Thank you that I don't have to work for man, but that I can serve joyfully for you. God, I pray that my life would reflect you and not me. I pray that when I desire affirmation from people, or praise, or fame, or attention, that I would run to you in my need and that I would be filled by your perfect love and your perfect sight. I pray that I would serve my family selflessly and confidently, knowing that you, and you alone, equip me in all my many moments of weakness. Thank you for your patience as I figure out this motherhood gig and thank you for trusting me with these little souls regardless of my weak and sinful heart. Thank you that in my imperfection, you offer my children a perfect parent in you and love that will surpass anything I could ever offer. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Saying Goodbye to Bean

 Bean snuggling with me while I was very recently pregnant with Grace

Today I unexpectedly had to consent to euthanizing our darling Bean cat. When I woke up this morning, I had no idea that I'd be sitting here this evening writing a blog post about our 4 year old cat dying.

For a bit of background, we found Bean, and her brother Eko (who ran away), near a dumpster just a month after Sam and I got married. These precious babies were just 3 weeks old and abandoned, so of course I insisted that we had to adopt them, and Sam wasn't hard to persuade. We bottle fed these kitties around the clock, taught them how to eat dry food, use the litter, etc. They were part of our family right away! Bean chose me as her favorite parent. She slept on me constantly, and was especially attuned to me while I was pregnant with Grace and Finley.

Earlier this week, Bean started acting strange, but we thought she had just been injured while playing outside, so we made her a little cozy spot to get some R&R and made sure the kids were extra gentle with her. This morning we decided we should probably take her to the vet to get her checked out so I started calling around to see if anyone would take her, but was turned down several times and eventually told to take her to the pet emergency center. So I packed up my cat and my two kids and off we went.

On our way to the vet, Bean had a seizure that lasted a couple minutes. I realized, in this moment, that she was probably not going to be coming home with us alive.

When we arrived I hauled my crew inside while busy techs asked me a hundred questions to which I mostly answered "I don't know what's wrong, I think she's dying" and we were eventually brought to a room to wait for Bean's prognosis. Meanwhile, we're in this little room, and Finley is loosing his mind because he's tired from refusing his nap today. I'm trying to keep myself together and the vet comes in to tell me that Bean probably has a brain parasite, is totally blind, and that she would recommend that I choose to euthanize her. So I said yes. I said yes, but I said yes with tears in my eyes.

I've always tried to be the girl with mega strength. The girl who doesn't need to cry, or grieve, or mourn. The one who can hold it together in front of her oblivious toddlers (or husband) through any storm. But God reminded me today (as I blubbered goodbyes and love yous to my cat) that I really am only human, I really do have a small capacity for burdens, and I really do need to draw on His strength in all moments. So off we trudged, dead cat in a box in one arm, toddler in the other, and a bouncing 3 yr old trailing behind. On our drive home Grace enthusiastically said "well that was a really fun day, can we go back to the vet soon?!" and I thanked God that she didn't understand what had just happened to Bean..although I know I'll have to tackle some tough questions through the next few days.

Psalm 18:6

"In my distress I called out to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From His temple he heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into His ears" 

 

It's a Bit of a Fixer Upper

Last week, we stepped foot into our new (to us) home. We were greeted by about 600 spiders, a thick layer of grime on our feet, the wafting smell of dead mice, 4 different schemes of wallpaper, and some really sketchy aromas in our 50's style bathroom. We couldn't have been more excited!

(Exhibit A. bathroom straight from the 50's, possibly with a hint of mold)

I know that more than one person will walk through our home in the next year, thinking to themselves "What in the world were Sam and Annette thinking, and why do they love this home so much?!" ...The answer is simple--We see the potential, and it is absolutely thrilling that we get to carry out that potential, as a family, and make this our home.

This is exactly how Jesus loves us and pursues us, He intimately knows the dark corners of our minds. He has slept in the cobwebs, He's inhaled the poisonous mold, He has touched the dirt on our feet. He sees us, He knows us, and He still loves us.  Not only that, but He sees how beautiful we can be, He sees our potential, and He tells us that all we need is to trust in Him, and allow the Holy Spirit to come set up shop in our hearts.

Every home, no matter how nice, will give out in some way or another. Whether that's a leaky basement or an infestation of fleas, we can be certain that our dwelling place will need repair. Man is no different. We are desperate for Jesus! It doesn't matter if you're the home that has been built with the best of materials, or the home that is perhaps crumbling a bit and hard to look at. Both are equally as needy.

Sam and I were so in love with this home, that we offered $10,000 over the asking price. Not only that, we were willing to overlook anything that came up in the inspection that would cost under $2,000, in the spirit of keeping things simple and appealing for the seller. This was a sacrifice for us and we had to trust that this was really what we wanted and be willing to sign up for some hard work and potentially some suffering.

Jesus invested in us, as humans, in a much more sacrificial way! He purchased us, by His blood, on the cross. He came to earth, as man, and suffered for us! His agony was so immense leading up to the crucifixion, that His sweat became like blood as He prayed to the Father (Luke 22:44). But even still, He died for us, while crying out "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46).

Do you see what a "fixer upper" you are?  Bask in His grace and His mercy, and allow yourself to be transformed and remade by the Holy Spirit. Invite Him into all of the dark corners, and even the clean corners, because even those spaces are dirty. Steep in His truth as watch your life be taken into His hands!

Father, Thank you so much that through you, I have been remade. Thank you that I am a new creation, and that you are able to use a sinner, like me, to advance your kingdom. Thank you for pursuing my dirty heart. Thank you for loving me perfectly when I am unlovable. Thank you that I can trust that your ways are best and that I can walk confidently with you, knowing that you only want good for me. God, I invite you into my heart today and everyday, and ask that you'd rebuild all the broken and ugly pieces. I pray for more of you, and less of me.
 In your name I pray. 
Amen.