Shifting Seasons

As I wrapped my hand around my upper arm,last night, I cringed; I couldn't help but notice the unmistakable difference in circumference. It was only a year ago that I was able to wrap my whole hand around my upper arm and touch fingers on either side. It doesn't take much to threaten my thoughts in a downward spiral. Sometimes it's the way my jeans actually fit instead of falling off, sometimes it's a bone hiding that used to be easily felt, sometimes it's the roundness of my face that I see while brushing my teeth.

Something different happened, last night, though. Something that was unfamiliar to me and exciting. After I cringed, my heart leapt for a moment and I had the fleeting thought "You're alive! that's flesh and blood and a nourished body that you feel!"

This isn't a feel good blog post about how I'm cured or instructions on 10 steps to take to kick the ol' eating disorder out, but the shift in thinking I experienced, last night, is something I've prayed for for a long time, and something I wasn't sure would ever happen. It was about a year ago that I admitted my eating habits to be sinful and against the Lord's will for my life, but it wasn't a joyful submission to His plan; rather a painful obedience to what those around me were asking me to do. I went into it "kicking and screaming" so to speak, heavy with fear, anger, and despair but knowing that if I chose a different path (my path) I'd be walking away from the Lord and thankfully, that brought more fear than giving up my addiction.

True "recovery" from my destructive eating habits has been slow. Painfully slow. Years and years (over a decade) of allowing patterns of thought that "fed" my behaviors have not been easy to turn away from, and it can still feel like a battlefield in my mind on any given day - threatening to pull me into an all out war with myself.

But as I felt my normal-sized arm last night, the Spirit of Truth won the battle, and I have so much hope that He is faithful and trustworthy and He will continue to renew my mind, day by day, year by year, if I am faithful to continue in this fight against sin. Last night, I had my first taste of freedom, and it was sweet.

"Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for you."
~Psalm 9:10

Recommended Resourses:
Love to Eat Hate to Eat by Elyse Fitzpatrick
Redeemed from the Pit by Marie Notcheva
Addictions A Banquet in The Grave by Edward T. Welch