It was Friday, October 13th when our lives were thrown majorly off balance, the day before was like any other - we had no idea what was to come for the next month.
Sam came home from work that Friday and went straight to the bedroom to lie down. He was having stomach pain he said, and I braced myself for a potential weekend of the stomach flu. Around 7pm he started vomiting, and the vomiting continued all. night. long. In desperation for him to feel some relief I urged him to go to the ER in the morning, where he was given pain medication and anti-nausea medication and sent on his way. Still very sick on Sunday, he went to urgent care and was told that he was just unlucky and having a hard time with a stomach bug. Still very sick on Monday, he went to urgent care and was finally diagnosed with a ruptured appendix.
Again, we were naive to what sort of suffering God had in store for us, I drove Sam to the hospital and we both figured he'd have his appendix out and be home the next day. This was not true at all. In fact, Sam was just beginning a 3 week hospital stay where he would face physical and mental suffering like he'd never known before, and I was just beginning 3 weeks of emotional suffering I'd never known before.
Antibiotics
IV fluids
He can't eat?
He doesn't want to eat
Surgery
Home
Hospital
Home
Kids
Husband
Need, need, need
Surgery
He's really sick
Sepsis
He's not eating. He's not drinking
I'm not sleeping. I'm not eating
Pregnant? I forgot
Antibiotics
Cry
Pray
Surgery
Please God, make him better.
This was the summation of my fleshly thoughts while Sam was sick. I could hardly take the roller coaster of what our life had turned into, and was constantly obsessing with how Sam was doing. Most days I woke up, went to the hospital, came home, put the kids to sleep, went back to the hospital, came home to put the kids to bed, and then went back to the hospital. But God. He was teaching, and He was stretching, and He was and still is using this to grow me and to grow Sam. Once I surrendered to this, I was at peace knowing that when God felt like this should end, He would make it end. the bitterness and anger slowly melted towards the multiple misdiagnoses that led Sam into this medical crisis. And so I prayed as my husband went in and out of surgery and I prayed when he was too weak to say hello to me. I prayed when looking at him was difficult, because I hardly recognized the 15 pounds thinner husband of mine. I prayed when the kids wanted Daddy. I prayed and I prayed and God was with me and I am thankful.
One day I was driving to the hospital and talking to God and I felt Him ask me; "Am I enough? Would you be ok without your husband?" And somehow, God gave me the strength in my heart to answer yes, I would be ok. I would be deeply, deeply grieved, but I trusted God enough to let Him know that I would be ok. The kids would be ok, I know That HE would be taking care of us and leading us through it all. This was, perhaps, the biggest growth in my faith through this trial, and praise God that He has chosen to bring Sam back into our home and praise God that Sam is now healthy. Praise God, too, that I have the strength in my faith to know that whatever trial God puts us/me through, I can trust Him and I can be unafraid of whatever outcome, because my hope is not of the things in this world, but in the heavenly places.
When the person you love most becomes fragile, it is hard and it is heartbreaking and it is confusing. But it is not the end, it is mearly a blip in God's massively beautiful plan.
